Alternate Reality

16 Things That Will Absolutely, Positively Happen in 2011

What will happen next year? We’ve got the inside skinny. Look for big things from Apple, Julian Assange, Verizon, Justin Bieber, Ashton Kutcher, and the TSA.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 30, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Yes, it’s time again for eSarcasm’s annual predictions for the coming year.

Looking back over last year’s predictions, even we are impressed by how many we got right. For example: Tiger Woods did take a vow of chastity, Google’s Nexus One did fail to forever alter the world as we know it (probably because it was too damned big), and the US did suffer more terrorist attacks involving incendiary undergarments (or at least, in the case of WikiLeaks, flaming douchebags).

One thing we missed: TechCrunch did not finally get a story right. Maybe next year.

Here are 16 things that are almost certain to happen in 2011:

* Manufacturers will create 12,472 new Android products. Approximately 49 of them will work.

* Apple will release its magical and revolutionary iPhone 5. Just to make a point, Steve Jobs will put the phone’s CPU on the outside, which will result in widespread hardware failures. Pundits will declare the move "bold" and "game-changing."

* The Verizon iPhone will fail to appear in January. Hundreds of analysts will claim to have had inside knowledge of the timing and will proceed to make more arbitrary predictions about when the launch will occur.

* When it finally appears, the Verizon iPhone will also turn out to be the White iPhone, causing every Apple fanboy on the planet to experience simultaneous orgasm.  However, it will only be available from AT&T.

* Gawker founder Nick Denton will elope to Ensenada with his equine sweetheart, Esmarelda.

* To speed up lines at airport security scanners, the TSA will allow passengers send in pictures of their junk via cell phone. Brett Favre will immediately take them up on it.

* Having lost the interest of practically everyone on Twitter, Ashton Kutcher will declare social networking "dead." He’ll then launch his own social network, Doucher, which will promptly be embraced by Kanye West and dozens of other dipshit celebs.

* Potty-mouthed CEO Carol Bartz will take up sexting, causing a temporary meltdown of the nation’s wireless data infrastructure.

* Justin Bieber will finally admit that he’s Hilary Swank.

* He will do so only after Julian Assange threatens to release photographic evidence of his vajayjay.

* Puff Daddy will change his name to Vajayjay.

* 4chan/Anonymous will finally run out of targets and collectively decide to attack itself.

* Microsoft will announce it has activated more than 1 million Windows 7 Phone handsets; 999,900 of them by one S.A. Ballmer in Redmond, Washington.

* Julian Assange will finally admit he’s really Martina Navratilova.

* Myspace will change its logo again, this time to a drawing of a white flag with bold letters spelling out "HELP."

* Yahoo will aquire Aol and thus also TechCrunch. The combined level of concentrated shittiness will cause the entire Internet to self-combust.

Photo: Sexy fortune teller from Magic Fun Wagon.

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