Inside eSarcasm

Privacy Policy

At eSarcasm, we value your privacy. We cherish it. We doodle it on our PeeChee folders, surrounded by hearts and flowers. We love it long time.

This document will outline how we plan to systematically destroy protect your privacy; the kind of information we collect, what we do with it, and what you can do about it.

Information we collect

If you signed up as a beta tester for eSarcasm, we recorded any information you voluntarily provided us. That might include your name, email address, how you heard about the site, your shoe size, and special skills. We also recorded your IP address.

Visits to our site are recorded via Google Analytics (which is a cool tool, you should check it out) and are collected on an aggregate basis only. We have no way of knowing who you are, no matter how much we may desperately want to.

If you’ve posted a comment on any of our stories, we require a name and an email address before the comment will appear on the site (though you don’t necessarily need to provide the correct name and email address, if you know what we mean). Our comment management software also captures your IP address.

Any comments you post are visible to the Net at large and can be indexed by Google. eSarcasm LLC takes no responsibility for the content of any comments made by site visitors, though we reserve the right to remove comments we judge slanderous, defamatory, libelous, untruthful, mean-spirited, or excessively potty mouthed. Don’t say anything stupid, and we’ll all get through this just fine.

If you’ve subscribed to eSarcasm via email, we collect your email address. (See a pattern developing?) If you subscribed via RSS, we don’t know jack about you.

From time to time eSarcasm LLC may publish contests and sweepstakes, or conduct other give-aways that require winners to provide their names, contact emails, and physical addresses. We may also sell worthless crap valuable collectibles via the site; you may need to furnish contact and payment information to complete those transactions.

If you click on ads appearing on any pages of eSarcasm.com (and we hope you do, as often as possible), that advertising network may also collect information, which may be treated differently under its own privacy policy. We can’t do anything about that. But we try to choose our advertisers carefully and avoid the sleazebags. If you encounter problems with any advertisers or external links on eSarcasm, please contact us at the addresses provided below.

Cookies

Because we use Google Analytics, our site deposits cookies on your computer. This enables us to gather all kinds of groovy statistics about who’s visiting our site, how long they spent there, etc, what stories they read most, etc. Because this data is collected anonymously, we have no way to identify you. You can read more about how Google Analytics operates here. Don’t blame us if you fall asleep.

Interestingly, Google Analytics requires sites that use it to post a privacy policy (like this one). But does GA post a privacy policy itself? Noooo. It relies on the standard Google one. You may now insert your favorite Google conspiracy theory here.

This site also employs Google Adsense advertisements. (Yes, we are Google Whores.) They deposit yet another type of cookie on your hard drive. Here’s what you need to know about that:

1. Google uses a Doubleclick DART cookie to serve ads on eSarcasm.

2. Google’s use of the DART cookie enables it and its partners to serve ads to you based on visits to eSarcasm and/or other sites on the Internet. In other words, it may use parts of your Web surfing history to determine what ads to display to you here. Isn’t technology wonderful?

google opt out button(Also: We notice you’ve been surfing an awful lot of porn lately. You might want to cut back; we hear it will make you go blind.)

3. You may opt out of the use of the DART cookie by visiting the Google ad and content network privacy policy and clicking the bright blue Opt Out button. Don’t worry, we won’t hold it against you.

What we do with this information

Nothing, pretty much. We do not sell, share, barter, rent, give away, slice, dice or leak your personal information with/to anyone outside eSarcasm LLC, no matter how nice they are to us. If we were smarter more evil we’d figure out how to sell it, but frankly it’s not worth our time.

Emails collected via the site are used solely for delivering festive japes to your electronic doorstep, identifying individual commenters, and notifying contest winners, if any. Though your IP address can be used to guesstimate your geographical location and identify your Internet Service Provider, we don’t do that. Life is too damned short. If you consistently make comments that violate our policies (see above), however, we may use your IP address to ban you, if we ever figure out how to do that.

We will do everything in our power to secure this information against the forces of evil that inhabit the Internet. We rely on Doreo Hosting to host our site; for more on their privacy policies, click here.

At some point in the future eSarcasm LLC may be acquired by some soulless corporation for vast sums of cash. (Hey, we can dream, can’t we?) At that point, whoever acquires us will also acquire whatever information we’ve gathered, provided we can remember where we put it. In that instance, you’ll have the option to opt out before anything bad happens. See the next section for our contact info.

Tune in, turn on, opt out

If you have questions regarding this site or its privacy policy, or if you’d like us to expunge all information we’ve gathered about you and forget you ever existed, please contact us at the following address:

eSarcasm, LLC
4320 Deerwood Lake Parkway, Suite 423
Jacksonville, FL 32216
privacy@esarcasm.com

We reserve the right to alter this privacy policy as eSarcasm gradually achieves world domination. Changes made to this policy can be found here – in this privacy policy (duh). We’ll probably also post something to the official eSarcasm company blog.

So now you know.

Last Update: 27 September 2009