The following predictions are absolutely positively guaranteed to come true in 2012 or we’ll return your money for a full refund. Would we lie to you?

Ever heard of Girthquake, Facebork, or Blowjobbulation? You will soon. Here are two dozen of the most notable words introduced this year.

Popular auto insurance pitch-lizard believes if people will vote for a Newt, surely they will vote for a Gecko. Yet another eSarcasm exclusive.

It turns out the Godfather of GOP hopefuls makes Bill Clinton look like the 40-year-old virgin. Here are his most effective seduction secrets. An eSarcasm exclusive.

Iowa land barrier I. M. Post is now neck and neck with Mitt, Newt, and the Gecko in race for GOP crown. An eSarcasm exclusive.

Carrying signs and hurling insults, members of the West Cupertino Applest Church protested at a ceremony honoring the memory of Adobe Flash. An eSarcasm exclusive.

Beloved satirical site claims Walter Isaacson used its content without permission and is demanding a split of the profits. Also: We want Ben Affleck and Matt Damon to play us in the movie. An eSarcasm exclusive.

Think that porn showing up on Sesame Street’s YouTube channel was an accident? Think again. Sesame Street is really Sexame Street. An eSarcasm exclusive.

Einstein’s Theory of Relatively appears to be safe, now that officials have accused the world’s fastest sub-atomic particles of proton doping. An eSarcasm exclusive.

With Apple’s iPhone 4S now out in the wild, one thing is clear: The world will never be the same again. An eSarcasm exclusive.

Introducing the SarcFund, an investment fund for morally dubious startups, headed by our own Stanley Dorkus. Not to worry, though: Our motives are entirely transparent.