Alternate Reality

These stories are not (entirely) true. They are, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

NORAD Accidentally Fires on Santa

NORAD Accidentally Fires on Santa

Air defense command officials say a nuclear missile narrowly avoided taking out Father Christmas this morning as he delivered toys to the children of the Far East. Google may be to blame.

In a near tragedy for the world's 2 billion children, a missile armed with nuclear warheads was accidentally fired at Santa's sleigh as it crossed the Pacific Ocean, sources report. For 55 years the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) has been tracking the flight path of Mr. Kringle, colloquially known as St. Nick. This is the first time an incident has occurred. As usual, NORAD began tracking St. Ni...[Read more]

Santa Claus Denies Sexual Harassment Allegations

Santa Claus Denies Sexual Harassment Allegations

Beloved children’s icon vehemently denies charges that he forced elves to sit on his lap and spread their Christmas cheer. An exclusive report.

Scientists Discover New Element Based on Michael Arrington, Apologize Profusely Afterwards

Scientists Discover New Element Based on Michael Arrington, Apologize Profusely Afterwards

Urasium, an ignoble gas based on superheated emissions from the former TechCrunch founder, has become the 116th element in the Periodic Table. A nation of chemists mourn.

Apple Sues Google For Stealing Stuff It Just Invented

Apple Sues Google For Stealing Stuff It Just Invented

Google stole tons of new features from iOS 7, Apple says, and put them into Android products three years ago. An eSarcasm exclusive.

BREAKING: Dr. Stanley Dorkus to Join Venture Capital Firm

BREAKING: Dr. Stanley Dorkus to Join Venture Capital Firm

Sex advisor to the stars takes on new role as financial advisor to the startups. An eSarcasm exclusive.

EXCLUSIVE: The Microsoft Smartwatch — Revealed!

EXCLUSIVE: The Microsoft Smartwatch — Revealed!

It’s true: Microsoft is building its own smartwatch — and only eSarcasm has an early look at the device’s groundbreaking UI.

Google Announces Plan to Phase Out Internet

Google Announces Plan to Phase Out Internet

Citing boredom and a desire to move on, Google says it plans to pull the plug on the Interent later before the end of summer. Exclusivo para eSarcasm.

Apple Patents New Microslut Antennas

Apple Patents New Microslut Antennas

Ground-breaking technology may enable iPhone users to locate nearby floozies within a three-mile radius, or extremely small hussies at great distances. Only on eSarcasm.

Top 10 Ways to Tell if You’ve Been Hacked by the Chinese

Top 10 Ways to Tell if You’ve Been Hacked by the Chinese

For the last four months The New York Times has been infiltrated by Chinese hackers. It could happen to you, too. Here are the top 10 signs you’ve been hacked. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

eSarcasm LLC acquired by Google for $400 million

eSarcasm LLC acquired by Google for $400 million

Purchase of beloved humor site by ad and search giant delights and surprises co-founders, worries and confuses everyone else.

   
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