Alternate Reality

Live Blogging the Live Blogging of the Google Nexus One Event

Welcome to our live coverage of the Google Android press event. Please take your seats, turn off your cell phones, and try not to crinkle your candy wrappers.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 5, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

google android nexus one announcementYes, it’s finally here: The long-awaited debut of the life-changing Google Nexus One Phone. Or so we’ve been lead to believe. Welcome to our live blog covering the event.

Technically, we won’t be covering the actual press event (JR waited in the wrong line for tickets, but he did get great seats for the Ice Follies), so we’re doing the next best thing: Live blogging other bloggers who are live blogging the event.

And as approximately 92 percent of all tech bloggers appear to also be live blogging it, we’ll have lots of incredibly similar material to choose from. It’ll be like we’re really there. Trust us.

9:43 AM: So. We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it. Oops, sorry. Wrong event. Never mind.

9:52 AM: Everybody seems to be here. TechCrunch sent its entire staff. Gizmodo and Engadget are here wearing their gang colors; we understand they’re planning a nerfgun rumble afterward.

9:54 AM: Technologizer Harry McCracken swears he sees Paul McCartney and Ringo Star in the front row. We told him last night: Avoid the blue acid. But does he listen?

google nexus one ring girl marissa mayer 29:57 AM: We must say, Google has really gone all out for this one. They’ve even hired the ring girls from the WWE to walk through the crowd holding up signs.

9:58 AM: Wait, isn’t that Marissa Mayer in that red bikini? Damn — she’s even hotter in person. God bless the person who invented pilates.

9:59 AM: Gizmodo reports that “Robert Scoble is rubbing his stomach seductively.” No, I’m not making that up. I think I’m gonna hurl. Yep, here it comes.

10:00 AM: I may not eat bagels with salmon and capers again for a looong time.

10:04 AM: Event supposed to start 4 minutes ago. And now I really have to pee. Fortunately I brought along a Venti Starbucks cup and it’s really dark in here….

10:05 AM: Google’s Mike Nelson has taken the stage. Strangely, he looks nothing like he did on Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

10:08 AM: Now it’s VP Mario Quuiroz. I can’t believe they let him spell his name like that. He’s droning on about the Open Handset Alliance. And I’ve got a Venti latte cup full of warm pee. Seems like a good time to duck out.

10:11 AM: We’re getting a history of Android Phones Through the Ages. Blah blah blah blah blah. For this I shaved my legs? I wonder if there’s any good porn on.

10:12 AM: Apparently Android comes in 20 devices, 59 carriers, 48 countries, 19 languages, and 7 yummy flavors. Merry Berry is my favorite; Orange Orange a close second.

10:15 AM: Google CEO Eric Schmidt just left with two WWE ring girls and three bottles of Crystal. For an old dude, he really knows how to party.

10:18 AM: The big news: The Nexus One will be called… The Nexus One! Boy, sure didn’t see that one coming. Damned clever, those Google guys.

10:22 AM: Google’s Jon Stokes: “It’s very thin, and feels very good in your hand.” Just like little Sergey.

10:24 AM: Now Google’s Erick Tseng is on stage. It’s like a friggin’ all-hands-meeting in here. You think Steve Jobs would allow this every-husky-on-the-dogsled pissing act? No effin way.

marissa_mayer_google10:26 AM: 3.7 inch OLED, blah blah, 1Ghz snapdragon chip, blah blah blah flashes blue when a call comes in blah blah blah. This is what is known in the trade as ‘death by powerpoint.’

10:28 AM: “Thinner than a #2 pencil, lighter than a swiss army keychain knife.” Yawn. I miss Marissa.

10:31 AM: OK. I know you have to be a fucking near-genius to pass the Google Interview questions. But is being boring a job requirement too?

10:33 AM: And now, a brief poem from PhoneDog’s Noah Kravitz: “This Google press conference needs some flair / I keep watching it with a thousand-yard stare.” Right there with ya, Noah. (Also: thanks for the bagels.)

nexus phone interface with enormous finger10:38 AM. OK, that Nexus One interface looks strangely familiar (left, courtesy of Gizmodo). Where have I seen that before? Oh yeah — every other friggin’ touchscreen phone, that’s where. Thanks, Google. Also, get a real hand model next time.

10:42 AM: I’m going out for a bite. Anyone else want anything?

10:44 AM: I’m back. What did I miss?

10:46 AM: Jon Stokes is using his voice to navigate to Mount Fuji. Duuuuude, I’m like, trippin’.

10:48 AM: Looks like Google is going to sell these suckers via it’s brand new web store. And the name of that store is:

10:49 AM: Just kidding about that last bit. I think.

10:50 AM: Also for sale in the store: Phones from Motorola, Vodaphone, Verizon. And for the first 500 customers to walk through the virtual door, a free puppy.

10:51 AM: And now for the bad news. The cost of an unlocked, unsubsidized gPhone? $529. Or, to put it another way, Five Fucking Hundred and Twenty Fucking Nine Dollars.

10:53 AM: Things have started to get interesting. In a surprise appearance, Sergey Brin and Larry Page have taken the stage.

10:54 AM: They’re each wearing black turtlenecks. Such kidders.

10:55 AM: Sergey is talking about how ever since he was a little boy growing up in Vladivostock he’s wanted to stick it to AT&T by making his own phones. I think he’s starting to tear up a bit.

10:56 AM: Larry is talking about how he and Sergey are secret lovers. No wait, sorry, that’s wrong. He was talking about how much they love secrets, which is why the Nexus was kept under wraps for so long. My bad.

kanye attempts to grab mike from larry page10:57 AM: Kanye West has suddenly jumped up on stage and is attempting to wrestle the mike from Larry Page. He’s putting up quite a struggle.

10:58 AM: Apparently Google was prepared for this; sharpshooters just took Kanye down. We’re being told they’re just tranquilizer darts, and that he should recover in about an hour.

10:59 AM: Wow. That was exciting.

11:01 AM: Kanye’s management has just released a statement saying the singer had been under a lot of stress lately and hadn’t gotten any decent publicity for months. He also said the singer wanted the world to know that while Larry’s Nexus One is a fine phone, Beyonce’s iPhone is better.

11:03 AM: Now for the reporters’ Q&A session. The Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg wants to know why he’s not being given special treatment and instead has to sit next to mere mortals.

11:04 AM: Google’s response? They’re having the PR people responsible taken out and shot immediately.

11:05 AM: The New York Times’ David Pogue is asking if it’s possible for Google to arrange to have Michael Arrington kiss his lilly white ass. They said they’d get right on it.

11:09 AM: Arrington has gotten up and unzipped his pants. He’s making a rude gesture that’s hard to accurately convey in a Web blog. Pogue pulls out a switchblade and lunges toward him.

11:11 AM: It’s turned into a melee. Reporters are swinging folding chairs and screaming. The Engadget and Gizmodo blogging teams are rolling around in the cloakroom. Wired’s Fred Vogelstein is riding Arrington’s back like a chimp.

11:15 AM: Larry and Sergey attempt to quell the crowd by appealing to their better instincts. (As if.) The reporters begin pelting them with stale bagels. Brin is overcome by sesame seeds and rushed to the emergency room.

11:20 AM: It’s all over. Google declares the press event to be officially closed.

What an amazing event. It truly was unprecedented. Thanks for joining us!

Editor’s note: eSarcasm would like to apologize for this live blog post. We suspect that its author stopped paying attention midway through the event and was mostly surfing porn. We regret any inconvenience this may have caused our readers.

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