Alternate Reality

The Nexus One Will Change Life As We Know It

This is it: G Day. After Google introduces its new wonderphone later today, our lives will be irrevocably changed. Here are 15 ways life will be different after the Nexus One.

By (@eSarcasm)

January 5, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

engadget_nexus_oneYes, in less than an hour, Google will unveil its [fill-in-the-blank]-killing Nexus One superphone. Savor this moment, because after Google makes the official announcement today at 10 am Pacific, life as you knew it before will be over.

(We’ll be live blogging that event – or, rather, live blogging other bloggers live blogging it – so be sure to tune in.)

BN (Before Nexus) we had a choice of admittedly inadequate cell phone technologies. AN (After Nexus or Anally Nocturnal, depending on your sexual preferences), all other forms of technology will cease to exist. According to various blog reports, the Nexus One is the Droid killer, the Droid was the iPhone killer, the iPhone was the Nintendo DS killer, and so on. By the time all the killing has concluded, the Nexus One will be the only gadget still left on Earth.

But that’s not all. Here’s what else that will happen.

* By owning a Nexus One you will automatically be accepted into the BeautifulPeople dating service, even if you look like a 400-pound hairball.

* Your underwear will no longer explode. (Note: This only applies to Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab.)
scoble with book again

* You will voted one of the hottest geeks on the planet. Even better: You’ll never have to look at another nude photo of Robert Scoble ever again.

* You’ll get a new car. Taking a page from Oprah, Google will give out a Lexus with every Nexus to the first 500 customers. It’s just their way of saying “thanks for continuing to let us own your ass.”

* Christ will endorse you too.

* Men will no longer have to take penis enlargement pills or viagra supplements – your woman will be deeply satisfied each and every time. However, you will have to velcro the Nexus to your scrotum before intercourse. (Manbag attachments may incur additional costs.)

* Ladies will finally be able to dump their loser boyfriends and/or spouses. Three words: Nuclear Vibrate Mode.

* The Fox Network will bring back “Firefly,” but only if Nathan Fillion loses the gut and Morena Baccarin grows her hair out.

* It’ll open up a whole new world of rhyming possibilities for producers of “SexBus One,” a soon-to-be-launched poetic porn series revolving around a raunchy bus and some crazy couplets.

* Julia Allison will stop trying to be famous simply for showing up at high-tech parties in skimpy cocktail dresses and get a job with the Porn Home Shopping Network.
denise richards thumb

* Charlie Sheen will stop pulling knives on his wives. (Just kidding. He’d never agree to that.)

* iPhone fanboys will have something new to whine about: another impressive, customizable device they can pretend is inferior to their shiny little toy.

* Jon, Kate, and their alien 8 will finally return to their native world, Planet AssClown.

* A long-standing sexual mystery will be solved. What do you get when you combine a gPhone with a T-Mobile HotSpot? That’s right, my friend – you’ve finally located the G-spot.

* It will finally bring an end to the 3,246,729 (at last count) unsubstantiated Nexus One rumors on the Internet. What the hell are bloggers going to write about now? (Oh, right — that damned Apple tablet.)

Remember: We’re live blogging the damned Nexus press conference in — shit, what time is it? Oh fuck, we need to put on some pants. You go on without us, we’ll meet you there.

Nexus One pic courtesy of Engadget (duh).






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Comments

  • JOSH

    A long-standing sexual mystery will be solved. What do you get when you combine a gPhone with a T-Mobile HotSpot? That’s right, my friend – you’ve finally located the G-spot

    –i just spewed coffee all of my screen laughing so hard-THANKS!

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      then our work here is finished.

  • karubin

    ok just so people out there know reading this article, this was article was writen PN (before nexus). then the phone actually came out!!! and guess what?! it sucked. hundreds of thousands of people with software and hardware malfunctions, bottlenecks, and other problems complained and wanted help, and Google ran for the hills. I'm sorry, but i got the nexus one, and 3g didnt work. I called, emailed, posted, and even visited my t-mobile store with no help. My iphone has had a couple of problems in its 1 year life, and all were fixed next day by my great friends at the genius bar. So if you want an android phone, chose another HTC. And if your not so sure about it, go with the iphone my friends.

  • karubin

    ok just so people out there know reading this article, this was article was writen PN (before nexus). then the phone actually came out!!! and guess what?! it sucked. hundreds of thousands of people with software and hardware malfunctions, bottlenecks, and other problems complained and wanted help, and Google ran for the hills. I'm sorry, but i got the nexus one, and 3g didnt work. I called, emailed, posted, and even visited my t-mobile store with no help. My iphone has had a couple of problems in its 1 year life, and all were fixed next day by my great friends at the genius bar. So if you want an android phone, chose another HTC. And if your not so sure about it, go with the iphone my friends.