Dr. Smartass

The Stupidest Sex Studies of 2009

Men don’t like wearing condoms. Drunk girls are more likely to put out. Thank God scientists reached groundbreaking conclusions like these during the months of 2009.

By (@doctorsmartass)

January 4, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassSex studies, my friends, are familiar terrain to regular readers of my weekly ramblings. Whether it’s the science behind breasts and personalities or the truth about Internet porn norms, we’ve tackled more than our fair share of coitus-centric content here over the past year.

Not all sex studies, however, are created equal. Some are silly enough to make even your dear virtual doc’s noggin go flaccid in astonishment.

To start the New Year off with a bang, so to speak, I’ve rounded up the stupidest sex studies of 2009. Here’s hoping scientists manage to erect some more significant conclusions in the coming months.

1. Girls who upload slutty pictures of themselves are more likely to be approached sexually.

Stupid Sex StudiesYes, my good disciples, those hips really do not lie. A study from the University of Cincinnati reached the shocking conclusion that women who show off their goods are not only more likely to be propositioned by men — they’re also more likely to respond to said advances. They might even be willing to engage in some form of intercoursial activities with their suitors.

Ladies, don’t feel left out: A separate study discovered that online doctors who upload photos of themselves in white lab coats are also willing to rock your world. (My e-mail addy’s at the top of the page.)

2. Cheap drinks + college students = more drinking. More drinking = more sex.

You can thank the gang at the Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research journal for this one. Drunk Girl SexApparently, college students drink more when drinks are cheap. And when the students drink more, they engage in more sexual activities. Who knew?

Ah, the memories of college. These days, your dear Dr. S tends to simply flash open his white coat when he’s had too much to drink. And let’s just say that the pants disappear somewhere around the second Tom Collins.

3. The more drinks you pound down, the more likely you are to go down.

Another alcohol-related winner tells us that the odds of getting or giving oral sex increase with the more you drink. From the Psychology of Addictive Behaviors journal:

“Consuming more drinks on a given day was associated with a greater likelihood of oral sex and with experiencing more positive consequences of sex that day.”

We at the eSarcasm Scientific Labs are working to commission our own independent study on the matter. So far, however, no women have signed up.

4. Men don’t like wearing condoms.Condom Study

The reason may seem rather obvious, but this scientific phenomenon is actually still under investigation. The U.S. government is currently funding a $423,000 study to figure out why guys don’t want to wear rubbers while riding.

As we stated back when word first broke of this ridiculous research, the next logical step will be a $1.2 million study into why men enjoying receiving blowjobs.

5. Men are more interested in casual sex than women.

Not only that, but they’re also far less choosy when it comes to selecting a partner for a one-night-stand. The top-notch team from Brunel University came to this startling conclusion after surveying hundreds of male and female students.

I heard two of the guys even managed to have sex with the survey before turning it in.


Sex is a game that’s designed for two.
And drinking can help make her want to screw you.
On paper she may try to claim that she’s chaste.
But the truth will come out when she gets shit-faced.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

(T-shirt girl picture courtesy funatiq.com; sad condom cartoon by Cartoon Curio)

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