Rants In Our Pants

20 Things That Are Absolutely, Definitely Going to Happen in 2010

Will Tiger Woods give up sex? Will Google acquire itself? What the hell is up with Perez’s hair, anyway? You have questions, we have answers. Here’s what we predict will happen over the next 12 months.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 31, 2009

Gypsy_fortune_tellerWe’ve polished our crystal ball, consulted the iChing, broke out our Tarot deck, visited the swami, spat in a tea cup, had our palms read, examined goat entrails (they’re even nastier than you can imagine), and read 3,487 other 2010 predictions lists.

(We also tried breaking out the Oujia Board but JR kept cheating and spelling out ‘asswipe’ with the pointer thingie.)

Now, finally, here they are: The most comprehensive, detailed, and reliable predictions for 2010 you’ll find anywhere. We predict you’ll really enjoy them (see, we’re already one for one). Prepare to be amazed.

In 2010…

Tiger Woods will declare a vow of chastity and temporarily take refuge in a Tibetan monastery with a world-class 18-hole course. Two weeks later he will break down and hook up with a waitress at the Katmandu Hooters.

Google will release its first custom-branded Android phone, the Nexus One. The phone will fail to forever alter the world as we know it. It will, however, forever alter the way a few 14-year-olds send their sexting messages.

Apple will shatter this year’s record by achieving 7 billion apps in its iPhone App Store. Approximately 12 of them will not involve simulated bodily functions.

adriana-lima-victoria secrets model oh my god

The US will suffer at least three more terrorism attacks involving incendiary undergarments from a terrorist splinter group calling itself the Panty Vigilantes. Unfortunately, none of them will involve Victoria Secrets models.

Ashton Kutcher will become the first Twitter user with 1 billion followers. Approximately 99 percent of them will be Internet Marketing Experts and Social Media Gurus; the rest will be porn stars.

As a result of its racist Web cam fiasco, Hewlett Packard will adopt a new affirmative action program for all of its products. Any technology failing to recognize its assigned share of minorities will be sent to a diversity training seminar.

After the newly added period fails to energize its brand, “Aol.” will revamp its identity once again. This time, it will change its name to “Shitty Outdated Service No One’s Cared About Since 1992!”

Yahoo will sue SOSNOCAS92 (the company formerly known as AOL), claiming it holds the rights to both the unnecessary use of exclamation points and the phrase “Shitty Outdated Service.”

yahoo's cherry wang

Jerry Yang will begin a new career as a soft-core porn star. His stage name: Cherry Wang.

Worldwide terrorist organization Al Queda will finally abandon that name that nobody can spell correctly and rebrand itself as Those Evil Fuckers. It will later shorten that to TEF and, still later, Tef!

Amazon will unveil the Kindle SeX, an eBook designed for viewing porn that can be controlled entirely with one hand. Shortly thereafter the company will be criticized for prematurely withdrawing copies of Anal Farm and 19 Dainty Whores from customers’ units after only two minutes of viewing. Jeff Bezos will offer a public apology, saying this kind of thing has never happened to him before and he’s sure things will go much better if we just wait 30 minutes and try again.

TechCrunch will finally get a story right. No one will believe them.

Having run out of other companies to buy, Google will reluctantly acquire itself. Analysts will call the move “acquisition masturbation” and note that, while not terribly impressive, it’s a perfectly normal thing to do.

Comcast will take over NBC. Pure, unadulterated evil will result. Despite the dramatic changes, Jay Leno will continue to be both large-chinned and bland.

Jon Gosselin will spontaneously combust while pleasuring himself in a hot tub somewhere. His sudden absence will go completely unnoticed.

Perez Hilton will accept the Nobel Prize for negotiating a final peace accord between Jon & Kate Gosselin. We still won’t give a shit.

Alleged NYC skank Liskula Cohen will come forward as Tiger Woods’ 744th mistress. This will cause an anonymous blogger to refer to her as a skank, leading to an oddly satisfying cycle of déjà vu.

Sarah Palin will declare she’s qualified to become an astronaut because she can see the Moon from her backyard. Political opponents will offer to pay NASA $30 million to send her to the International Space Station — $60 million for a one-way ticket.

Upon re-evaluating its business model, MySpace will abandon the myspace.com domain and move its entire site to a more sensible location: a Facebook profile.

eSarcasm will be declared the most trusted news source on the InterWebs, thus signaling that the apocalypse is nigh.

Oh, and Happy New Year.

Gypsy Fortune Teller image from the University of Toledo’s Mystery Caravan.

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