Alternate Reality

iHate iSlate: 15 Other Top-Secret Apple Trademarks

iSlate and iGuide aren’t the only “i” names Apple has quietly trademarked. eSarcasm uncovered 15 other top-secret projects you’ll have to see to believe.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 30, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

iSlate and Apple TrademarksHave you heard? The Apple tablet is coming, for reals this time. And it even has a name.

The clearly unemployed sharp-minded sleuths at dug up some evidence of Apple having registered the domain back in 2007. Jobs and co. seemingly trademarked the moniker, along with iGuide, too. Either way, it’s gonna be iSomething-or-Other.

eSarcasm has discovered, however, that there’s far more to the story. It turns out Apple trademarks “i” names as often as Stevie J moves his bowels (which, we have it on good record, is quite frequently). We were able to uncover 15 other “i”-oriented trademarks just by doing some good old-fashioned snooping of our own.*

Here’s what we found.

  • 1. iSoreSweaty Steve Ballmer

    Experimental gag gift; it looks like an Apple tablet, but when you power this sucker up, all it does is display image after image of a sweaty Steve Ballmer.

  • 2. iVision

    Prototype 4D goggles allow the wearer to gaze into the future and see what consumers will desperately want to buy 12 to 24 months from now. Worn exclusively by Steve Jobs.

  • 3. iOfTheTigerEye of the Tiger

    Leaked documents indicate this is a custom-designed iPod that does nothing but play the theme from Rocky III in a never-ending, mind-numbing loop.

  • 4. iAmCuriousYellow

    No actual products are associated with this trademark; Jobs is just a huge fan of 1960s-era Swedish porn.

  • 5. iAmThe Walrus

    Everyone knows Jobs is a Beatles nut. The only thing he enjoys more than listening to the Fab Four is being sued by their parent company, Apple Corps.

  • 6. iWitness

    Groundbreaking new system that’ll generate multilayered alibis to help you cover up any transgression. Currently being tested under codename “TIGER.”

  • 7. iAyeSteve Jobs Pirate

    We’re pretty sure this had something to do with Steve Jobs’ Halloween costume from 2004. We’re not sure, however, why he trademarked it.

  • 8. iSeeYou

    Coupled with the recent Apple filing for the trade name “Peekaboo,” we believe this is clear evidence Apple is planning to launch an iPhone aimed at toddlers.

  • 9. iSpy

    Suspected to be Apple’s foray into game development, iSpy will reportedly bring a new high-tech twist to the age-old children’s game. In Apple’s edition, you’ll only be able to spy approved objects with your little eye; things such as PCs, Android phones, and Sergey Brin will not be recognized.

  • 10. iFullTower

    The name probably has something to do with a new high-end Mac desktop we’ve heard about. Either way, the French are gonna be pissed.

  • 11. iGlide

    While this may be related to technology for a glidepad for the next gen MacBook, we believe it’s actually an Apple-trademarked sex lube.

  • 12. iSlut

    A top-secret new fanboy masturbation kit. Rumored to include three-dimensional models of various Apple products wearing tiny-sized lingerie and suggestively showing off all their shiny parts. May or may not come with a complimentary tube of iGlide.

  • 13. iCU

    Rumored EMT technology turns an iPhone into a portable defibrillator and crash cart.

  • Bart Simpson Aye Carumba

  • 14. iCarumba

    Apple’s long-awaited entry into the Latin American market is indicated by this filing, though it is currently in a dispute over the name with fictional TV brat Bart Simpson.

  • 15. iDon’t

    Not really a device at all; Apple just registered it to piss off Verizon.

*By “snooping,” we mean paying off Snoop Dogg to get us the info. He was at our holiday party, you know.

UPDATE: The guy at our holiday party wasn’t actually Snoop Dogg. Damn it.

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