Dr. Smartass   •   Favorites

When Boinking Goes Bonkers: The 10 Strangest Sexual Fetishes

You want me to do what?! From fondling trees to fellating robots, Dr. Smartass delves into 10 of the strangest sexual fetishes around.

By (@doctorsmartass)

December 28, 2009

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassAh, sex — the beautiful expression of intimacy between a man and a woman. Or occasionally, a man and a tree.

The bedroom, my dear readers, is a place of many mysteries. As anyone who’s ever fondled a freaky friend can attest to, people get into into some pretty strange stuff.

That brings us to this week’s reader question:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

Soooo, it seems my new boyfriend has a thing for me inflating balloons while we have sex. WTF? Does it get any weirder than this?

-Allie

Strange Sexual Fetishes: BalloonsAllie, you lucky gal: It looks like you’ve encountered a globophiliac, or balloon fetishist. While the majority of guys would rather observe you blowing — well, certain other things, some fellas get their jollies by seeing your sweet lips wrapped around a latex party favor.

(Your trusty virtual doc, by the way, likes watching women inflate giant alligator pool rafts. Not for any sexual reason, mind you — just as a warm-weather pastime.)

To answer your question, though: Yes, it does get weirder. Much weirder. Take, for example, these 10 super-strange sexual fetishes:

1. Apotemnophilia

You may have heard of acrotomophilia — the sexual attraction to amputees. Sure, that’s strange. But not nearly as strange as its kinky cousin, apotemnophilia. Apotemnophiliacs are obsessed with the idea of being an amputee, or at least pretending to be one.

Your dear Dr. S would give an arm and a leg to know what causes this unusual fixation. So far, however, science has few firm answers.

2. Crush Fetish

It may not have a fancy-sounding name, but the crush fetish has plenty of devoted fans (just do a Google search, if you dare). Crush fetishists get excited by the sight of small creatures being crushed — insects, frogs, even rodents.

That reminds me…it’s about time Mrs. S and I switch to a different exterminator.

3. EmetophiliaStrange Sexual Fetishes: Emetophilia

She gets the barfs, they get the boners. That’s emetophilia for you — these guys love seeing the spew during the sex.

On the plus-side, if you encounter one of these fine citizens during a drunken bar-night hookup, everything could work out swimmingly.

4. Vorarephilia

Vorarephiliacs get off from the idea of eating or being eaten by others — and not in the “omg, he just 8 me out!!” kind of sense. These people are legitimately into the act of gobbling down and swallowing another person, typically in a single bite.

Unfortunately, those little Lego guys are about the only ones small enough to satisfy this strange fantasy — and from what my scientific texts tell me, they can be quite harsh on the digestive tracts.

5. Plushophilia

Next up is the inexplicable sexual attraction to stuffed animals or people dressed in animal costumes. Bear suits, tiger costumes, you name it.

Finally, a scientific explanation for how that dope in the Chuck E. Cheese outfit always scores so many MILFs.

6. Dendrophilia

Dendrophilia is the sexual love of trees. Yes, trees.

For the love of genitals, just use extra caution when approaching the thorn bush.Strange Sexual Fetishes: Robots

7. Robot Fetishism

Watch out, WALL-E: The robot fetishists have their eyes on you. These lovely people love the idea of nailing a robot, plain and simple.

Your befuddled virtual doc’s take: Cold, sharp metal sliding along the intimate areas? No thanks. I’d sooner risk splinters with that slutty oak tree out back.

8. Erotophonophilia

One of the more disturbing strange sexual fetishes, erotophonophilia is sexual satisfaction derived from mid- or post-coital murder.

I always knew those damn female hornets were a negative influence.

9. MechaniphiliaStrange Sexual Fetishes: Car Sex

Giving a new meaning to “getting some tail,” mechaniphiliacs literally want to get busy with their vehicles’ various orifices. Not quite what I had in mind when I discussed cars and attraction a few weeks ago — but hey, whatever gets your engine running.

10. Spectrophilia

Our final strange sexual fetish is spectrophilia, best described as the desire to have sex with ghosts.

Sex with ghosts? Yikes. Sounds like the story of my teenage years.

Remember:

When it comes to sex, folks are bizarre.
Just ask the guy who’s humping his car.
But whatever you do, please don’t forget:
The video will end up on the Internet.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass






Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter

Comments

  • Jay

    That is the most disgusting list I have seen. It is way beyond weird !

    • Grumpy old faht

      Led a sheltered life, have we?

      ;->

      • Jay

        Na… just a normal one. I guess it takes all kinds.

  • DDDK

    I have the smoking fetish, despite not being an actual smoker.

    I just get a hard on while seeing women suck cigarettes and blowing smoke. It think it smoking makes women appear tough while sexy at the same time.

    Also, it enough strange to be considered a fetish, but not so strange as not being able to find porn.

  • DDDK

    I have the smoking fetish, despite not being an actual smoker.

    I just get a hard on while seeing women suck cigarettes and blowing smoke. It think it smoking makes women appear tough while sexy at the same time.

    Also, it enough strange to be considered a fetish, but not so strange as not being able to find porn.

  • spongkulasisi

    I know worse

  • Jay

    Na… just a normal one. I guess it takes all kinds.

  • Davis26

    I once dated a woman with a cheese fetish. 

  • Davis26

    I once dated a woman with a cheese fetish.