Rants In Our Pants

Biggest Douchebags of 2009

What do Ashton Kutcher, Carrie Prejean, Perez Hilton, Tiger Woods, and Kanye West have in common? They’re winners of our awards for the douchiest behavior of the year.

By (@tynanwrites)

December 28, 2009

you are bag of douchIt was the year douchebaggery went mainstream. From fading TV stars who latched onto Twitter like a life raft, to silicon-enhanced airheads, media leeches, wanna-be terrorists, and male sluts on steroids, the year was filled with some of the finest d-bagging we’ve ever seen.

To commemorate their accomplishments, we offer eSarcasm’s first annual Douchebags of the Year Awards for 2009. Each of our ten winners will receive a “Baggie,” a handsome gold-plated statuette that will liven up anyone’s trophy case, as well as our undying gratitude for providing us such easy material. We’re also handing out a special lifetime achievement award to one man who exemplifies the true meaning of d-bag in everything he does.

Now, without further ado: The 2009 Baggies go to….

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Ashton Kutcher. Your stunt to become the first Twit to break the 1-million-follower barrier helped bring Twitter into the mainstream, making it what it is today: a writhing snakepit of spammers, scammers, shameless marketers, porn queens, clueless tools, and — worst of all — social media gurus. Treasure this statuette, @aplusk. It’s as close to an Oscar as you’re likely to get.

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Kanye West. Back when you were blurting out things like “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” we found your Award Show Tourette’s Syndrome refreshing. But the whole “Imma let you finish” Taylor Swift episode at the Video Music Awards veered straight into Rainman territory. By the way, when you come up to accept your Baggie — well, you know what to expect.

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Richard Heene: Sucking an entire nation into your faux Balloon Boy drama was pretty bad. Worse: You pimped out your six-year-old son for a shot at a reality TV show. Let us repeat that: You pimped out your six-year-old son for a shot at a reality TV show. Turns out your moral conscience is also hiding in a box in the attic.

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Perez Hilton: It’s bad enough when you’re a middle-aged gossip queen who writes (and dresses) like a 14-year-old goth girl. But your not-so-innocent question about gay marriage during the Miss Universe pageant turned a run-of-the-mill silicon-enhanced bikini babe into an instant right wing cause célèbre. For giving us Carrie Prejean, here’s a big bag of douche for you, Missy P.

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Carrie Prejean: After the Perez incident you leapt on the “victim of religious discrimination” bandwagon faster than Kirstie Alley on a package of Ding Dongs. But your long painful career as a Faux News Babe went up in smoke when you couldn’t even handle “inappropriate” questions from Larry King. Geez, the man’s a 72-year-old pussy hound — flash your tits at him and he’ll roll over and wet himself. Our career advice? Try porn star. It’s where your talents truly lie.

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Jon & Kate Gosselin: We really, truly, could not give less of a shit about you or your fertility experiment gone sour. Here’s hoping Jon, Kate, and their unfortunate 8 quickly fade into obscurity. Tomorrow would nice; yesterday would be even better.

sarah palin no ball gag

Sarah Palin: The US congress will soon decide whether to snuff your baby; global warming occurs naturally just like gravity; and the view of the Kremlin from your backyard is just awesome. Whenever you open your mouth, something deliciously douchey drops out. It would be highly entertaining, if not for the terrifying prospect that you could still end up as President. In the meantime, we have two words for you: ball gag.

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John Mayer: We’re not sure exactly what you did to get on this list, but we know you belong. And we’re pretty sure Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jessica, Vanessa, Rhona, Minka, Scheana and all the others would agree.

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Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab. Yeah, we know: You’ve got daddy issues. But as a spoiled rich kid turned wanna-be terrorist, all you accomplished with that “incendiary device” strapped to your leg was to scorch your ‘nads and make air travel that much more of a pain in the ass for everyone else. May you enjoy a long uncomfortable prison sentence strapped into a 737B coach seat, where they feed you only stale peanuts and let you pee once a day.

tiger woods male slut on steroids

Tiger Woods. We get it. You’re the greatest golfer of your generation. You’re wicked handsome, you’ve got more money than anybody not named Oprah, and apparently you’re hung like a brontosaurus. You can sleep with any woman on the planet. But instead you go for Hooters waitresses, nightclub skanks, and stretched-out porn queens. Two words: Craigslist hookers.


Special Lifetime Achievement Award: Michael Arrington

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. What else can we say that hasn’t already been said? When not repeating any rumor that passes through your frontal lobes (no matter how ludicrous), you’re airing Twitter’s dirty laundry (thank you Mr. Anonymous Hacker) while lecturing us on journalism and ethics. When you’re not shamelessly flogging your own mythical Web tablet, you’re whining about how the mean kids down the block stole it out from under you and vowing to sue them into the stone ages. Every day in every way, you exemplify the true meaning of douchebag. Here’s to you, Cap’n Crunch.

Uncle “DB” Sam image courtesy of Teamhackaday. Other images courtesy of The Huffington Post.

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