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That Chick From Hanson to Test New Gender-Sensing Technology

Following a brief hiatus from public life, that chick from Hanson has announced she will take part in a groundbreaking demonstration of new gender-sensing technology.

By (@jr_raphael)

December 25, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

That Chick From HansonThat chick from Hanson is re-entering the public eye with an upcoming demo of some never-before-seen gender-sensing technology.

That chick from Hanson, whose popularity faded as male-oriented acts such as Lady Gaga began dominating the pop music spotlight, announced she’ll be working with a Singapore-based company to help test its new gender-intelligent billboards.

Developed by A*Star earlier this year, the billboards work by analyzing the faces of people that pass in front of them. The patented “gender recognition system” displays different ads based on what it finds: If a person’s facial features are identified as male, a male-targeted ad will be shown; if they appear female, an ad geared women will come on-screen.

(The difference in ad selection, developers say, comes down to a complex scientific formula: “If gender = male, display boobies”)

A*Star will formally debut the technology at the Advertising Simply Show, an industry conference scheduled to take place next month. That chick from Hanson will be on-site to act as the inaugural test subject.

“That chick from Hanson has generously agreed to offer her time to help showcase our exciting product,” A*Star Chief Officer in Charge of Kinesthetics Brock Lee explained during a media briefing. “When our system correctly identifies her gender, we’re confident the marketing community will be won over.”
Hanson Drummer
That chick from Hanson was not immediately available for comment. Her sister, however — best known as the drummer from the band Hanson — tells eSarcasm the family is “thrilled to be part of this groundbreaking event.”






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Comments

  • Len

    Wow, this takes me back many years. I thought everybody figured out that Taylor Hanson was male after he grew a beard and fathered four children. Guess I overestimated the intelligence of the general public, though.

    • http://www.esarcasm.com JR Raphael

      Not sure who you're talking about — but man, that chick from Hanson is hot.

  • Len

    Well, the accompanying photo shows Taylor Hanson about 12 years ago when he was still a child, so I assumed that was who you were talking about. There is also a photo of Zac Hanson, from the same band, 12 years ago in the article. Therefore, I assumed you were talking about the two of them. I understand if you are embarrassed; it is a pretty stupid mistake to make. Sorry if I made an assumption about you that made you appear as an ass. I'm sure you were actually talking about someone else, and posted those photos accidentally.

    • http://www.esarcasm.com JR Raphael

      Blast…you've figured it out. We'll be shutting down the Web site in shame shortly. Please standby.

      • Len

        It would actually show intelligence and integrity if you were to do that, which is exactly how I know that you won't. :-)

        Merry Christmas. And perhaps someday you will have your own gender-sensing technology, so that you can figure out that bearded fathers of four are generally male.

      • Len

        Haha… it looks more like you're going to be deleting my comments in shame. What happened to the last one I posted? Too funny!

        Merry Christmas, JR Raphael! Perhaps some Christmas in the distant future, your gift will be the ability to tell male from female! Hint: fathers are generally male; mothers are generally female!

        Now… delete this one, too!

        • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

          wait, what was that bit about males and females? ever since JR's gender reassignment surgery I've been totally confused.

          cute chick, though.

          • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

            by 'chick' I meant the hanson one, not JR. just to clarify.

          • Len

            Another Hanson — Chris Hanson, to be exact — would probably be concerned by your prurient interest in a photo of a 14-year old boy. Fortunately, the boy in the photo is now 26 and is able to fend off creepy pedophiles.

          • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

            we're joking around. you, on the other hand, appear to be president of the Hanson fan club. talk about creepy.

          • alton

            hahah………”Len”, could you really not tell that this is a humor site? Go back to your hanson fan page and give it a rest already!

            Thanks for the entertainment, tho……this comment thread was almost as funny as the story itself!!

  • andiii

    Len apparently has nothing to do since Hansen is no longer making new albums. Instead, this uberfan now spends his time being clever on the internet trying to further defend the gender of Hansen. Like we cared anyway.

    *insert impressed look here*

  • Len

    What's really funny is that this bold, brave “satire” site is intimidated enough to have deleted one of my posts and now banned my ip address!

    Anyway, andiii: Hanson does indeed make new albums. The Walk came out in 2007; a new one is set for release this May. In between, they have released several EPs. They also will be performing five nights in a row at the Gramercy in NYC this April. That concert run is already almost sold out. (And no, I'm not going.)

    Just out of curiosity: have you guys ever heard of an amazing new search engine called Google? If you use it, a five second search can eliminate the possibility of making a really embarrassing mistake.

    • http://www.esarcasm.com JR Raphael

      Dear Len,

      This story IS A JOKE. Our comments WERE JOKES. Pretty much everything on this Web site INVOLVES A JOKE. That's the whole point.

      Your comments provided mild amusement for a few minutes, but the punchline started to get old after the 90th time. That, my dear Mmmbopper, is why we banned you from spreading the Hanson Fan Club gospel any further.

      Love,

      JR

      (P.S. Mmmbop, bop shoo wop doo wop, etc.)

      • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

        unlike JR, I am deadly serious in everything I write here. so this is NO JOKE: I am totally hot for that Hanson chick.

        OTOH, if you want to talk “really embarrassing”: an encyclopedic knowledge of all things Hanson ranks pretty high up there.

        peace out,

        dt

  • Len

    What's really funny is that this bold, brave “satire” site is intimidated enough to have deleted one of my posts and now banned my ip address!

    Anyway, andiii: Hanson does indeed make new albums. The Walk came out in 2007; a new one is set for release this May. In between, they have released several EPs. They also will be performing five nights in a row at the Gramercy in NYC this April. That concert run is already almost sold out. (And no, I'm not going.)

    Just out of curiosity: have you guys ever heard of an amazing new search engine called Google? If you use it, a five second search can eliminate the possibility of making a really embarrassing mistake.

  • http://www.esarcasm.com JR Raphael

    Dear Len,

    This story IS A JOKE. Our comments WERE JOKES. Pretty much everything on this Web site INVOLVES A JOKE. That's the whole point.

    Your comments provided mild amusement for a few minutes, but the punchline started to get old after the 90th time. That, my dear Mmmbopper, is why we banned you from spreading the Hanson Fan Club gospel any further.

    Love,

    JR

    (P.S. Mmmbop, bop shoo wop doo wop, etc.)

  • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

    unlike JR, I am deadly serious in everything I write here. so this is NO JOKE: I am totally hot for that Hanson chick.

    OTOH, if you want to talk “really embarrassing”: an encyclopedic knowledge of all things Hanson ranks pretty high up there.

    peace out,

    dt

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  • John atkinson

    JR,

    I can understand how Len got confused. You *really* should rename the site to something that makes it more obvious that this is not serious journalism.

    Ok, I'm heading over to eIrony.com now to see what's going on with the Pakistan flood.

    Cheers,
    John