Alternate Reality

NORAD Accidentally Fires on Santa

Air defense command officials say a nuclear missile narrowly avoided taking out Father Christmas this morning as he delivered toys to the children of the Far East. Google may be to blame.

By (@tynanwrites)

December 24, 2013

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

santa leaves north pole on google earthIn a near tragedy for the world’s 2 billion children, a missile armed with nuclear warheads was accidentally fired at Santa’s sleigh as it crossed the Pacific Ocean, sources report.

For 55 years the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) has been tracking the flight path of Mr. Kringle, colloquially known as St. Nick. This is the first time an incident has occurred.

As usual, NORAD began tracking St. Nick’s flight path at 2 AM ET on Christmas Eve as he left the North Pole on his way toward Anadyr, Russia. At approximately 6:30 AM ET, as the PolarXpress 9000XLC was entering the airspace surrounding Palikir, Micronesia, a single ICBM was launched at the craft.

Fortunately, the sleigh’s forward deflector shields absorbed most of the blast. Mr. Kringle and his 9 quadraped companions were largely unhurt, though Blitzen may never be able to hear out of his left ear again. 

Sources within NORAD are pointing fingers at Google, which added NORAD’s Santa tracking technology to Google Earth in December 2007. Each year since that date, Google representatives are allowed access to NORAD’s highly secure facilities at Peterson Air Force Base in Colorado to manage the data stream from more than 3000 Santa-cams recording St. Nick’s visits.

“I can’t tell you how many times we told them ‘Don’t touch that button,'” said one exasperated source with NORAD who declined to be identified, because he really wants to get presents next year. “But they’re all like 12 years old, you know?”

santa_up yours_Google

Santa was forced a make a last-second course correction to avoid the oncoming missile, causing a very somber Christmas for the children of Rabaul, Papua New Guinea.

At press time Santa was maintaining radio silence and could not be reached. However, he spoke through a spokes-elf.

“He’s not very jolly, I can tell you that,” said the Elf. “If I worked for Google, I wouldn’t count on finding much under the tree next year.”

Rude Santa image from Photobucket.

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter