Rants In Our Pants

High-Tech Toys for Geeky Girls and Nerdy Boys

We made our list and checked it twice. Now we’ve got gifts for all the Ho Ho Hos on our Christmas list, from Arrington to Zuckerberg.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 23, 2009

bad-santa-our-favorite-christmas-classicTis the season for sarcasm. Wait, that’s every season. Scratch that. Tis the season where sarcasm comes with gift wrapping and snarky little notes.

That’s why we’ve decided that, despite a rather alarming degree of naughtiness, all of high tech’s little boys and girls deserve a little something under the tree.

Here’s what we’re buying some of our favorite targets this year.

Steve Jobs: A bionic heart, spleen, pancreas, kidneys, and other entrails* to go with his new iLiver. Because we want to be able to kick him around for a long long time. Also: A Droid. Because you know he’s just dying to get Google Voice and an NES emulator.

Jeff Bezos: A Nook or Sony eBook reader. Because we think he’d appreciate a device that lets you actually keep the books you’ve paid for.

Ashton Kutcher: A TwitterPeek, the world’s first (and probably last) dedicated tweeting device. Only someone so fucking dumb deserves something so impossibly pointless.

ballmer sweat

Steve Ballmer: A lifetime supply of Ban Roll-On. Because sweating that much just can’t be good for you. Besides, he kind of looks like a bottle of Ban Roll-On.

Carol Bartz: A tarp. Because you can’t count on Ballmer to actually use the roll-on, and when he gets on top she might drown.

Chandra Rathakrishnan: Another 15 minutes of fame to use once the dust from the JooJoo lawsuit settles and he vanishes back into obscurity.

Michael Arrington: A gift certificate for one dead simple Web tablet. We hear there are some impressive models coming out soon, and we know Mikey would be ripshit mad if he didn’t get one.

Tom from MySpace: A Facebook account. For obvious reasons.
perez hilton purple hair

Perez Hilton: A lifetime’s worth of SuperCuts. Because a blind troglodyte with a pair of pruning shears could do a better job.

Jerry Yang: A job at the new upscale, “high-tech” McDonald’s. Poor guy faces enough humiliation walking through the door at Yahoo every day. A gig at Mickey D’s could only be an improvement.

Guy Kawasaki: The Annoy-a-Tron, a fun little gadget that makes nonstop annoying beep sounds at random intervals. Just so he can experience what it’s actually like to follow him on Twitter.

Craig Newmark: A hooker escort adult services professional. Because if anybody looks like they really need to get laid, it’s him.
lily tomlin as ernestine the operator

Randall Stephenson: We’re buying the CEO of AT&T an autographed poster of Ernestine the Operator. Because we’re nostalgic for the days when there was only one phone company, also named AT&T, that totally sucked — yet was still better than the one we have now.

Sergey Brin & Larry Page: Their own planet. Because they’re almost done dominating this one, and they’re not even 40.

Richard Cole & Timothy Cheney: We’re buying these Northwest Airlines pilots “The Little Book of Big Excuses,” because that “we missed the landing strip by 150 miles because we were doing an online tutorial” line has to be the worst excuse for porn surfing we’ve ever heard.

Biz Stone: A business plan for Twitter. Because if you’re gonna run a company worth $1 billion, it might be nice to know how to make more money than the kid who cuts lawns down the street. Just sayin’.
Tiger-Woods-kisses cup

The editors at Mashable: A cloned copy of AOL’s new content-generating bot. That way, they can automate the whole process of rehashing content to cash in on traffic from hot trending topics (something we here at eSarcasm would certainly never do).

Mark Zuckerberg: A razor. Because this may be the year the baby-Facebook’d CEO finally needs one.

Tiger Woods: A lifetime supply of saltpeter. For the man who has everything — and too many places to put it.

Oh, and Merry/Happy to you, too.

* Endorsed by Dick Cheney

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