Alternate Reality

New Nexus One Rumor Will Be Old-Nexus-One-Rumor Killer

eSarcasm has an exclusive look at the newest Google Nexus One rumor. As you’ll see, it beats the bleepin’ bejesus out of the old-Nexus-One-rumor. GAME OVER!

By (@JRRaphael)

December 23, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Yeah, tons of people are retweeting this shit. You'd better believe it.The New Nexus One RumorThanks to a clandestine meeting with a source, we had the chance to preview the next Nexus One rumor set to hit the blogosphere. We can safely say from our time with it that it is without question the old-Nexus-One-rumor killer. It’s more hyperbolical, more sensational, and more embellished than any Nexus One rumor we’ve ever seen before.

Our source was very firm about no photography, and we didn’t want to jeopardize anything on his end, so we won’t be able to show you the new Nexus One rumor today. But based on all the leaked shots we’ve already seen, it’s easy to envision what to expect. So we’re going to focus on the experience, and how it compares to that of past Nexus One rumors.

The new rumor, put simply, is everything past rumors have tried to be but never achieved. While past rumors have called the Nexus One an industry-changing, Droid-killing iPhone-killer, the new Nexus One rumor will refer to it as an orgasm-inducing, erection-enhancing sex machine. Its language is bolder and its author even more convincing, going as far as to fully fellate an early prototype of the phone to emphasize his love of the device. This is probably the best rumor we’ve seen about a smartphone so far. Probably.

We didn’t get a chance to leave a comment saying “ZOMG…want!!!!~!@” on the new rumor, because we wanted to keep this as anonymous as possible. From what other people say based on their time with it, though, it functions fine as a comment forum and should work normally in the incessant-discussion-on-Twitter department as well.

The new Nexus One rumor is expected to be published online very soon. Even though it doesn’t actually say anything substantially different from the last rumor, it basically beats the hell out of it in every single way imaginable.

You heard it here first: The old-Nexus-One-rumor killer has arrived.

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