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Your Avatar Is Fat, Ugly, and Stupid — Just Like You

Microsoft’s working on a new system that’d build realistic-looking avatars based on how fit or fat you are. Here are nine big ways we hope the technology will be embraced.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 22, 2009

Microsoft Fat AvatarsMicrosoft may be alienating 95 percent of its fanbase bringing physical health into the virtual world with a groundbreaking new kind of technology.

The Windows-maker has filed a patent for something called “Avatar Individualized by Physical Characteristics.” The system would generate avatars for an online experience using real-world traits — then limit your virtual interactions if you’re deemed too fat, dumb, or poor to proceed.

We swear we’re not making this up. From the patent:

“Only requisite health levels are allowed to compete in a certain competition level. A dedicated gamer could exercise for a period of time until his health indicator gadget shows a sufficiently high health/health credit in order to allow reentering the avatar environment. …

In addition, the physical characteristics can include psychological and demographic information such as education level, geographic location, age, sex, intelligence quotient, socioeconomic class, occupation, marital/relationship status, religious belief, political affiliation, etc.”

The system would “nonvolitionally obtain” the data, using everything from physiological sensors to stress-detecting honesty tests to figure you out. All of your qualities, good or bad, would be incorporated into your avatar and your virtual world permissions.

We here at eSarcasm are very excited about this technology. In fact, we hope it gets integrated into all facets of the Web. Imagine the possibilities:

Google News IQ

Google will begin indexing IQ data for writers and displaying it next to every headline. Just think how much time that’d save you from clicking on subpar stories written by hacks who only rehash other people’s content.

MicroGeekGeek Avatar

Designed especially for current and former employees of Microsoft, this adds horn-rimmed-glasses-held-together-by-adhesive-tape and a slide rule to your avatar’s appearance. You will never get laid again, but you’ll be a big hit at virtual Windows 7 parties.

Second Life Inch-4-Real

Second Life will utilize the system’s tools to measure… well, tools. Every male user will have his penis size prominently displayed on his avatar to prevent unnecessary exaggeration.


Indicates that you actually fell for those Classmates.com “someone is searching for you” spam emails and are thus an ass.

Truth-in-DatingCreepy Guy Avatar

Designed for use by sites like Match.com and eHarmony, this avatar add-on would reveal each member’s true motivations for belonging to the site, such as “desperately seeking sugardaddy” or “will forget your name 15 seconds after he’s shot his wad.” Also indicate his/her most recent treatments for STDs.


Apple will embrace the patented technology to identify users surfing to its Web site without copious amounts of disposable income. These users will automatically be redirected to Dell.

Wacko Detector

The system’s religious and geographic data will be passed along to blogs so they can ban conservative Christian wackjobs from posting asinine remarks on humor-based sites.

iPhone Tool

This enhancement indicates whether the avatar’s bipedal equivalent brags about his iPhone and is thus a tool.

Microsoft Internal Irony DetectorSteve Ballmer Icon

Microsoft will harness its own system’s power to produce an internal irony detector. It will be installed only on Steve Ballmer’s computer. Its sole function: playing a sarcastic laughing sound every time Steve works on his company’s health-oriented technology.

(Fat man avatar courtesy Photobucket’s Fat-Man-Photos; Steve Ballmer icon from junauza.com)

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