Alternate Reality

20 Reasons Why Twitter Got Hacked

Twitter was defaced and taken offline by the Iranian Cyber Army last night. We reveal the real reasons behind the cyber terrorism attack.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 18, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

iranian cyber army flagYes, the rumors are true: Twitter has been attacked by cyber terrorists. Last night, its home page was replaced by the flag at right, along with this text (translated from the Persian):

Iranian Cyber Army



U.S.A. Think They Controlling And Managing Internet By Their Access, But THey Don’t, We Control And Manage Internet By Our Power, So Do Not Try To Stimulation Iranian Peoples To….



Take Care.

(We especially like the ‘take care’ sign off. It says ‘Yes, we may be cyber terrorists, but we’re also human beings, you know?’)

For the record, we never attempt to ‘Stimulation Iranian Peoples’ without their clear consent, and if possible a note from their doctors.

Still, questions remain. Why now, why Twitter, and why the Iranian Cyber Army?

Sure, there was that bit of business about how Twitter allowed Iranian protestors to alert the world to their government’s rigged election hijacking of democracy voting irregularities. It’s also true the US government asked Twitter to reschedule its planned downtime so Iranian dissidents could continue to access the service. (All those fail whales? They’re the government’s fault, too.)

Still, we think the reasons for the attack run much deeper. Like these 20, for instance:

1. Twitter blocked their account after they sent tweets recruiting 72 virgins to visit them in the afterlife.

2. Tried to register @MahmoudAhmadinejad, got a “too many vowels” error message.

3. The_REAL_SHAQ failed to show up at the quarterly Cyber Army Peace Talks.

4. Angry over inability to get Avatar tickets; had to take it out on somebody.

5. They followed @aplusk, but he refused to follow back.
cnn's rich sanchez high on crack (again)

6. Hack actually performed by CNN’s Rick Sanchez while he was high on crack.

7. Still upset that the #jihadthursday hashtag has never really taken off.

8. Somebody else had already registered the @KooksWithNukes account.

9. @arrington. Turns out he also sued Iran for stealing the CrunchPad.

10. Confusion over those damn Facebook privacy changes. See, @biz, we told you not to post those company passwords on your profile.

11. If you got 27 tweets an hour from @guykawasaki you’d go postal too.

12. Pissed off over the Gosselins; they think Jon got screwed in the divorce settlement.

13. New Prince of Persia movie not as good as original video game — that really burned them.

14. Felt that Balloon Boy, not Iranian elections, should have been number one trending topic on Twitter.

15. Blame Fake Steve Jobs. AT&T “Operation Chokehold” was a bust, and this was his plan B.
christian twitter (small)

16. Frustrated over inability to create Muslim equivalent to Christian Chirp.

17. Perez Fucking Hilton = most influential tweeter? My ass.

18. Kanye promised to let them finish, but never did.

19. The whole thing was orchestrated by Plurk…those bitter, vengeful bastards.

20. Too many damned tweets about magic carpets.

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  • andiii

    Have you ever been close to an Iranian? I wouldn't stimulate one with a gas mask and a 10 foot pole. Everyone wants to be 'us'. Those that cannot are bitter – clearly.

  • I enjoyed that. thanks

  • I enjoyed that. thanks