Rants In Our Pants

Prediction: Free Oral Sex Coming Soon From Microsoft

If you think Microsoft sucks now, our analyst’s predictions may just blow your mind.

By (@JRRaphael)

June 15, 2009

Microsoft BriberyMicrosoft isn’t afraid to look desperate. First, the company launched a massive bribe promotion in which it essentially offered up money to use its search engine. When that didn’t work, the Live crew ignored all the data and commissioned its own study to declare the concept a success.

Now, with a kitschy new name keeping its search thinktank busy, Microsoft seems to be turning its bribery promotional tactics to that other declining Web product: Internet Explorer, the once-dominant browser that’s been consistently losing users for months on end. This time, however, Microsoft is appealing to your humanitarian side: Rather than offering you cash, it’s offering to donate food to needy children — if, of course, you download IE.

“For every completed download of Internet Explorer 8 … we will donate the financial equivalent of eight meals to Feeding America’s network of 206 local food banks,” an official blog announcement says.

Aww…how selfless and caring of Microsoft. Oh, wait — what’s this, just two lines later?

“To also help kick off the campaign, the Browser for the Better Web site is hosting a series of new viral videos … which highlight features of Internet Explorer 8.”

Well, maybe it’s still about the children. But then there’s this:

“After downloading, give Internet Explorer 8 a try. Not only does it include features such as Web Slices and Accelerators for finding the information you want quickly on the Web, it’s also fast and secure too.”

Microsoft Promotion Predictions

I think I can see where this is going. And, being the qualified analyst that I am*, I’m ready to make some predictions as to what kinds of briberies promotions Microsoft has planned for the future. Behold:

  • Free delivery of freshly made scones for anyone who, while maintaining a straight face and eye contact, can tell people: “Bing is the thing when it comes to my choice of decision engine.”
  • Personalized ice sculpture of Bill Gates in exchange for a pledge to stop bringing up Microsoft Bob every time a new silly product name is unveiled
  • Eighty-four seconds of oral sex for a public declaration that Vista wasn’t as bad as it was made out to be (declaration must be made while attached to polygraph)

Remember, folks: You saw it here first.

Anyway, I’d love to stay and chat more, but I’ve gotta go practice my polygraph deception techniques. For, uh, completely unrelated reasons.

*Qualifications include an inflated sense of self-worth, a distorted view of reality, and the ability to eat mass quantities of meatball subs.

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