Alternate Reality

Google Paralyzed With Terror Over Bing

Hostage situation underway at Google’s Mountain View headquarters; several billionaires feared missing or worse

By (@tynanwrites)

June 14, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

ballmer larry page new york postAccording to a New York Post story titled “Fear Grips Google,” the search leader is quaking in its collective Doc Martens over Bing, Microsoft’s newly launched search decision engine. Per the Post:

…co-founder Sergey Brin is so rattled by the launch of Microsoft’s rival search engine that he has assembled a team of top engineers to work on urgent upgrades to his Web service, The Post has learned.

eSarcasm has learned that the situation is far worse than reported by the Post. According to sources inside the tech behemoth who requested anonymity (but whose initials are L. P., if anyone’s interested) Sergey Brin has locked himself in a conference room with six of his top coders, four cases of Mr. Pibb, and enough C4 explosive to blow a Google-sized hole in Northwestern Santa Clara County.

Sources say Google Hostage Negotiators are working around the clock to talk Brin down from the 27th floor conference room, whose doors have been barricaded with $10,000 worth of Herman Miller furniture and empty boxes of Little Debbie Snack Cakes.

The boyish 35-year old co-founder reportedly vowed to create a search decision engine that can blow Bing out of the water in 48 hours or he’ll “blow this fucking cracker jack factory a mile high, and take all of these candyass code jockey-wannabe’s with me.”

ballmer-blofeld-finalCo-co-founder Larry Page has denied Google is worried about Bing, but admits he is slightly rattled by Steve Ballmer’s eerie resemblance to Dr. Ernst Blofeld from the original Bond movies.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt has reportedly offered a ride in his Porsche and a free trip to Marriott’s Great America if Brin would just quit this foolishness and come downstairs right now, young man.

More on this story as it develops.

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