Alternate Reality

Microsoft’s Top 10 Excuses for Stealing Plurk’s Code

The reprobates from Redmond have been busted for stealing most of the code for their Chinese microblog, Juku. But they had plenty of good reasons for it. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

December 16, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

I am a thief I stole from PlurkA tearful Microsoft has admitted to shoplifting 80 percent of the code for its silly Chinese microblog Juku from the even more ridiculous Plurk, based in Canada.

In an official statement, Microsoft said they were, like, really sorry for having messed up so bad, and that they would never ever do it again, they swear to God.

After Juku was made to come to Plurk’s office and apologize, it was suspended and had its cell phone taken away. Future punishments may include grounding Juku for life and forcing it to wash Plurk’s car.

In an eSarcasm exclusive, we’ve uncovered the top 10 excuses Microsoft’s Chinese partners gave for stealing the code, translated from the original Mandarin:

1. We were going to bring the code right back, we just wanted to drive it around the block a few times.

2. No one else seemed to be using it, so WTF?


3. There was this really hot coder chick we wanted to impress, and this was the only way we could think of doing it.

4. It looked just like our code, it was dark, and we picked up theirs by accident.

5. It’s called Plurk. Hello? LUZRS!

6. All the other cool microblogs use Javascript and we’re stuck with this C++ shit leftover from MSN 3.0 .

7. Plurk is located in friggin’ Canada — it’s not like they’re from an actual country.

8. OMFG will U pls just leave us ALONE? God we h8 U.

9. Google and Yahoo steal other people’s code all the time but we’re the only ones who ever get in trouble for it.

10. Steve Ballmer is our illegitimate daddy — how the fuck else do you expect us to act?

In related news: Microsoft also apologized for egging Chinese Premiere Wen Jaibao’s house and spray painting “Windowz RULZ!!!” on Papua New Guinea.

Hot coder chick pic found at Nexwarecorp.

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