Alternate Reality

eSarcasm Exclusive: Hands on With the New Google Phone

Yes, we’ve got it – Google’s game-changing, iPhone-killing Nexus One. And you won’t believe what this fucker will do.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 14, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

google nexus one phone starburstWe’re just as caught up in the G-Phone frenzy as anyone not on Michael Arrington’s payroll can be. When the rumor speculation confirmation hit over the weekend, we felt an overwhelming urge to write something deeply repetitive yet totally unenlightening, just like everyone else.

But we resisted. Instead, we decided to do our own ‘hands on’ with the Miracle Phone, which – as TechCrunch’s John Biggs so rightly said, “will change everything (mostly).”

The first problem was how to find one. We knew Google had distributed handsets to its employees over the weekend — “dogfooding,” they called it. So getting our hands on one was a simple matter of following a Google employee home (it wasn’t difficult, he was tweeting his location every three minutes) and “borrowing” his phone for a bit.

Not to worry. We bungee-corded him to his Ultimate gamer’s chair; he’s now resting comfortably after we mixed sedatives into his vitamin water.

Ready to have your minds blown? The Google Nexus Phone, based on the aptly named HTC Passion, really will change life as we know it.
Google Nexus phone sounds just like Morena Baccarin from V

Thanks to its in-brain gAmygdala technology, the Google Nexus anticipates your every thought and fulfills every need before you even feel the pangs of desire or hunger. It will also randomly utter positive affirmations to you, like “God you make me wet” and “Have you lost weight?” in a voice just like V’s Morena Baccarin.

The Nexus’s built-in pheromone sensor offers a number of unique applications even the iPhone can’t touch. For example:

* The Nexus can tell you if that hot chick in the bar is really into you or just trying to squeeze one more round of drinks out of you before she hooks up with the bouncer.

* Patented Blow-a-lyzer technology gives you an estimate of any woman’s oral abilities before she ever heads downtown. Disguised as an alcohol breathalyzer, the app measures the levels of Cockalickos, an enzyme stored deep in the throat of highly skilled women. (Also works with Microsoft product managers.)

dude shes preggers

* Wave it six inches in front of your girlfriend’s hootchie and it can tell if your lovin’ left a bun in the oven, or what STDs your sig-oth may be hiding from you.

* The exclusive new Nexus-Anus feature puts even the best “gaydar” senses to shame. Simply hold the phone in front of any man’s manhole and find out instantly whether he’s into other dudes — or, more accurately, whether other dudes have been into him. (Note: History of excessive rectal thermometer use may cause false positives.)

* Leave the phone in your front pocket; its auto-vasodilators will leave you with a chubby even Tiger would be proud of. Of course, you’ll have to leave your pants on – or velcro the phone to your manbag – for the G-agra effect to last.

* Wave the phone in front of any blog report and it can detect maniacal exaggeration of rumor by someone looking to capitalize on easy Web traffic (who knew that was pheromone-related?). Interestingly, every single Nexus One report we scanned this morning caused the alarm to go off.

Rumors are also circulating that the Nexus is able to cure leperosy and other major diseases. However, eSarcasm was unable to locate a leper to confirm this.

Though pricing was not officially set at press time, eSarcasm has learned the first Nexus models will be available in January for only $9,000 unsubsidized, or $199 and your soul with a lifetime+eternity contract from T-Mobile or AT&T.

Hand and “Nexus” image courtesy of Twitpic

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  • nqlogic

    Google is moving down in the stack to challenge B2C opponents with an open architecture and new sets of standards. In creating a post-revenue business model, Google can only manage success if consumers accept a co-branding and outsourced manufactured device … NQ Logic recommends reading about the rest of the new Google's mobile strategy at

    • Fascinating stuff. Really. Do you guys offer home delivery? I'd love to receive your wildly misdirected spam comments at my doorstep every morning.

      • dude. if you had a google phone, they could deliver them directly to your brain.

  • This was almost hysterically funny, except you forgot that women like gadgets too.

    Not many people know this, but possession of a penis is not required for the operation of a smartphone.

    • JR

      Wait — then what do all these manuals mean when they talk about a “stylus”?

      I think I'm starting to realize why people give me such strange looks every time I tap out a message on my BlackBerry…

    • did you miss the bit about the 'hootchie'?

      also not required for operation of a smart phone, but lawsy they sho is nice.

  • itsmrjerktoyou

    I also heard the camera on it was really great. Not only is it 128 megapixels but they combined google's facial recognition technology with some sort of new x-ray technology. Supposedly you can see through people's clothes and the software automatically recognizes their body. Kind of like Google Maps for someone's anatomy.

    and it's got a flash too. I bet you the iphone doesn't have an app like that.

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