We’re Suing Apple, Michael Arrington, and 8 Others
eSarcasm LLC would like to formally announce lawsuits against Michael Arrington, Apple, AT&T, and a bunch of other places that are really starting to piss us off.
Take cover while you can: The tech industry’s legal shitstorm of 2009 has officially begun.
In case you haven’t heard, Michael Arrington’s suing Fusion Garage over the failed CrunchPad-turned-JooJoo tablet; Nokia’s suing Apple over the technology used in its mobile phone; Apple’s suing Nokia over the technology used in its mobile phones; Google’s suing a Utah company over its use of the Google name; and a record label’s suing Google and Microsoft over some pirated music problem.
Whew.
Clearly, suing the bejesus out of someone is the “in” thing to do right now, so we’ve decided to get in on the action as well. eSarcasm LLC would like to formally announce the following legal actions, set to be filed in the State of Mental Imbalance*:
- We are suing Michael Arrington for suing Fusion Garage, because we wanted to sue them too (that GrinchPad looks an awful lot like our deceased SarcPad, doesn’t it?). Now, though, the idea has lost all of its appeal. We demand restitution.
- We are also suing Michael Arrington for hypocritically calling the press irresponsible in his lawsuit announcement this morning. Oh, wait — nevermind. We forgot that he’s the official ethics czar of The New York Times.
- We are suing Google for making 5,712 product announcements within the span of a single week. We get it: You have cool stuff. Calm the fuck down.
- We are suing Apple. Over the years we’ve submitted dozens of apps to their iPhone store — like Ho B Gone, ManGina, and iAgra — and so far we’ve heard bupkis. Enough is enough. We demand to be rejected — now!
- We are also suing Apple for suing Nokia for suing Apple. Because that’s really distracting, and we couldn’t give two shits which overrated phone copied which.
- We’re suing Tiger Woods for violating the Sherman Anti-Skeezer Monopoly Act. For years we’ve been trying and failing to get dates with cheesy waitresses, nightclub skanks, and stretched-out porn stars. Now we find out that they’ve been too busy doing the Tiger two-step. See you in court, asshole.
- We’re suing Aol! for stealing the idea of an annoying in-logo punctuation mark. We already have Yahoo to make fun of for that; come up with your own dumb shit.
- We’re suing Joanna Krupa. Why? Because she’s hot, she’s naughty, and we want any excuse to get near her.
- We are suing Comcast for not suing us over all the absurdities we’ve made up about them.
- We’re suing Dr. Smartass. That guy gets all the fucking groupies.
- We’re suing Microsoft. We spent over $37 on our Windows 7 launch party, and nobody came. We demand a full refund, plus another $327,000 in compensatory damages.
- We’re also suing Microsoft for racial discrimination. First it was the blue screen of death. Now it’s the black screen. All this profiling makes us uncomfortable.
- We’re suing AT&T, because they’re assholes. Isn’t that enough?
*We’ve passed all of these filings onto our corporate law firm, Bideme & Blomee LLP. Since as far as we know, that law firm does not actually exist, these cases will likely never reach any actual docket.
Oh yeah: We’re also suing the guy who stole our idea for the SarcPad. But that’s another story altogether.
(Judge Dread cartoon courtesy of caricatures-uk.com)
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