Alternate Reality

Exclusive: More Hot Pix of Tiger Woods Mistresses

eSarcasm has learned of even more conquests by the world’s horniest golfer. You wouldn’t believe who else Tiger has been boffing.

By (@tynanwrites)

December 9, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

It seems Tiger Woods has been laying pipe with more than just Hooters waitresses, aging porn stars, and VIP room sluts. Some of the most powerful people on the planet have had the opportunity to hold that Tiger.

For example, the golfing great has apparently been slipping the sand wedge to Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz. The notorious size queen expressed her deep appreciation for the links legend at a tech conference yesterday:

“God bless Tiger. This week we got a huge uplift: Front Page, News, Sports, Gossip. He just filtered through the whole place.”

Huge uplift, indeed.

eSarcasm has learned that Tiger’s conquests go even further than anyone besides Magic Johnson could possibly imagine. Here’s just a short list of the powerful women Tiger has torqued.
oprah says tiger too big to eat

Oprah. The world’s most powerful woman and its most potent golfer – it’s a match made in power-boffing heaven. marissa mayer squats atop tiger's testicleAlso: We understand they’re both big fans of Sir Mix A Lot.

Marissa Mayer. The Google hottie (and Glamour woman of the year) hooked up with Tiger after the golfer visited the GooglePlex last spring. Things got so hot and heavy he apparently left one MORE PHANTOM TEXT HERof his testicles behind (right).
not actually sarah palin. great tits though.

Sarah Palin. Last October the Republican Rogue enjoyed a torrid three-way with Tiger the Golfer and Joe the Plumber. And when she straddles Tiger, she can see Russia. ellen degeneres sucking face with hot blonde (not tiger)

Ellen. Yes, the World’s Nicest Lesbian is driving a stick again, thanks to the wonders of Tiger’s magic wand. Can Rosie O’Donnell be next? MORE PHANTOM TEXT TRYING TO GET IMAGES TO LINE UP

Perez Hilton - because Tiger will tap anything

Perez Hilton. It appears Tiger swings from both sides of the tee. That, or Perez’s hairnet fooled Tiger into thinking Hilton was a waitress at Denny’s. You want fries with that, hon?

Editor’s Note: Yes, this is a shameless attempt to wring just a smidge more Google goodness out of this silly story. Thank you for asking.

Photos: Nerve, Glamour, elsewhere

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