Alternate Reality

Just in Time for Christmas: The GrinchPad

Yes, Virginia, there is a CrunchPad. Only it’s got a new poppa and a brand new name. An eSarcasm exclusive report.

By (@tynanwrites)

December 8, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Chandrasekar Rathakrishnan2.hmediumFusion Garage, the company that foolishly agreed to manufacture the CrunchPad for Arrington & Co., has announced that its own “dead simple web tablet” will be available in time for the holidays.

eSarcasm has learned the $499 device will be called The GrinchPad (seen at right) and will feature an apple-green 12.1-inch capacitive touchscreen with a CPU that’s three sizes too small.

According to Fusion Garage CEO Chandrasekar Rathakrishnan, the company had hoped to market the device under the original CrunchPad name, but Arrington proved to be even more of a dick than you can imagine.

Rathakrishnan added that if you say his name out loud 10 times in a row it will invoke magical powers.

Initially, The GrinchPad will only be available to residents of Whoville, but the company hopes to expand distribution to the three-dimensional world early next year.

jesus christ endorses the grinchpadThe device has already been endorsed by Jesus Christ, who hinted he’s hoping to get one for his birthday.

In related news: Mr. Arrington has vowed to sue the asses off anyone having anything to do with Fusion Garage, its shareholders, investors, family members, pets, Facebook friends, and the estate of Dr. Seuss.

eSarcasm has learned Mr. Arrington has obtained a temporary restraining order preventing any of these parties from using their asses until his attorneys can physically remove them.

“We will not take this sitting down,” Rathakrishnan did not say, because he would never make a joke that obvious.

Photo: MSNBC

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