Rants In Our Pants

Tiger Woods’ Women: A Visual Guide

Can’t tell Tiger’s ho’s without a scorecard? We’ve composed a handy guide to the five six seven eight (and counting) women TW’s been diddlin’. UPDATE: Make that nine.

By (@tynanwrites)

December 7, 2009

TigerWoodsSome guys just can’t keep their 9 irons in their bags.

If the rumors are to be believed, Tiger Woods has been practicing his stroke with nightclub greeters and Hooter’s waitresses from Pebble Beach to Hilton Head. It’s amazing he has enough energy left to climb in and out of a golf cart.

And while God’s gift to golf has been reportedly improving his lie with Rachel, Jamee, Kalika, Jamie, Cori, Mindy, Holly, and lord knows how many other golf Betties, his Swedish supermodel wife stays home to tend the Tiger cubs. Is this a great country or what?

Still, there’s something very Clintonesque about Tiger’s alleged conquests. A hint of Paula Jones, a whiff of Gennifer Flowers, and a whole lotta Monica. Frankly, we don’t understand it. Isn’t this why God created hookers?

Just how hot are Tiger’s hotties? We’ll let you decide.

1. Rachel Uchitel
rachel uchitel bikini top small

The 34-year old nightclub doyenne (bikini left) adamantly denies Tiger has ever trimmed her greens, no matter what the National Enquirer says. On the other hand, she’s also been accused of bonin’ Mr. Bones himself, married TV hunk David Boreanaz, and idling with American Idol’s Ryan Seacrest.

2. Jamee Grubbs
jamee grubbs bikini small

This LA cocktail waitress (bikini right) made her reality TV debut on VH1’s “Tool Academy” [insert your own joke here]. The 24-year-old claims she and Tiger made the beast with two backs 20 times over a period of 31 months, and has the steamy texts and voicemails to prove it.

3. Kalika Moquin
kalika moquin small

After initially playing coy, this 27-year-old marketing manager in Las Vegas now denies hooking up with Tiger one wild weekend in October. You know what they say about what happens in Vegas…

4. Jamie Jungers
jame jungers bikini small

This Las Vegas model, 26, has been playing ‘hide the mashie’ with Tiger for 2+ years. According to SFGate, she models for TrashyGirls.com. Some things you just can’t make up.

5. Mindy Lawton
mindy lawton small

According to the Daily Mail, Tiger has been shagging this 34-year-old Perkins waitress for 14 months. (She reports that he has an enormous putter.) We hear he gets all the free refills he can hold.

6. Cori Rist
cori rist face

The 31-year-old night clubber and Hooters gal apparently met the Woods-man at a NYC hotspot called Butter, and they’ve been spreading it around ever since. We hear that’s the secret to good golf: It’s all in the Rist.

7. Holly Sampson
holly sampson small

According to the New York Daily News, Tiger’s also been diddling this 36-year-old “actress,” whose filmography includes such Oscar fodder as Diary of a Horny Housewife, Girl on Girl Tickle Wards, and Suck It Dry 6. (Personally, we think the Suck It Dry series peaked at number 4.)

8. Elin Nordegren
Elin Nordegren

Yes, that’s the lovely Mrs. Tiger Woods herself (or possibly her equally smokin’ twin sister Josefin). Our theory about how this all happened: Tiger wanted a three way with the twins, but Elin put the kibosh on that. (Hey, a man can dream, can’t he?)

Now they only have one thing left to talk about: The Prenup.

joslyn james thumb9. Joslyn James NEW

Tiger doesn’t just rent porn movies, he rents the talent too. This 32-year-old veteran of more than 15 adult films — including (and we’re not making this up) Mama Fucked a Black Man — was the T-man’s “full time mistress” according to Deadspin. We understand Ms. James has been ridden hard and put away wet so many times she sleeps in a jacuzzi.

Even more Tiger news: According to Fox 411, there are at least three other Tiger mistresses who’ve yet to be named. And Playgirl apparently has pix of Tiger’s prodigious putter; now they’re waiting to confirm that the club in question is really his. Hmm, think they’ll have any problems finding somebody who can ID it?

Photo: Tiger Woods flexing comes from the Baltimore Sun. As for the rest… you don’t want to know.

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter