Alternate Reality

Joanna Krupa’s Nude PETA Pix Spur Religious Conversions

Catholic officials object to provocative ads of ‘Angel Joanna’ despite rise in church attendance. We say if it ain’t broke, don’t crucifix it.

By (@tynanwrites)

December 4, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

joanna krupa sexy PETA adSupermodel Joanna Krupa may be through Dancing With the Stars, but according to the Catholic Church she’s still playing with fire. Her original sin? Appearing in a PETA ad holding religious iconography in a less-than reverent way.

The ad features the extremely fit Ms. Krupa (a recent Hump Day Hottie) wearing angel wings and holding a strategically placed crucifix over her holy bits. The caption: “Be an angel for animals. Always adopt. Never buy.”

Apparently this did not sit well with some members of the church. Per the always fair-and-balanced Fox News:

“It’s totally inappropriate,” said Deal Hudson, publisher of, an online magazine. “It’s another instance of disrespect toward Christianity and another example of the kind of abuse that would never occur with any other major religion, because the outcry would be so immediate and so loud that the people behind it would immediately retreat.”

However, eSarcasm has learned many diocese have seen a sharp uptake in attendance, as lapsed Catholics are lured back to the fold by the church’s apparent embrace of sexuality.

According to an extremely knowledgeable source, his holiness Pope Benedict XVI has requested a private audience with Ms. Krupa to discuss her possible participation in a new pro-Vatican ad campaign. The pontiff also left specific instructions that he not be disturbed during this meeting for any reason short of the Second Coming.
joanna krupa nude be a mensh for moses

Other major world religions may be following suit. eSarcasm has obtained rough copies of an ad campaign currently under consideration by the North American League of Rabbis, which feature the lovely Ms. Krupa holding a very large Menorrah.

The proposed caption: “Be a Mensch for Moses. Go to Temple. Never die.”

If the past is any indication, though, sex appeal alone may not prove to be a congregation’s savior.

In the 1970s, the Calvinist Church launched a controversial ad campaign featuring a partially clothed Brooke Shields and the slogan: “Nothing gets between me and John Calvin.” It had no measurable impact on the popularity of the church, though sales of designed jeans skyrocketed.

Similarly, in the 1990s the Congregation Beth Shalom of Brooklyn purchased a series of ads promoting adult circumcision. However, the “Got Moyle?” campaign didn’t quite cut it with the goyim.

Still, some church supporters say they welcome the Catholics’ sexy new image.

“That whole repressed, pathological attitude toward sex has hurt the church for centuries,” said one source who preferred to remain anonymous. “It’s about time Catholicism stood for something besides pederasts in frocks.”

Editor’s Note: We’d like to apologize to the Catholic Defense League, the Jewish Defense League, the Calvinist Defense League, Brooke Shields, the People United for Preventing Crimes Against PhotoShop (PUPCAPS), and everyone else we’ve offended with this story.  

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