Alternate Reality

LEAKED: Comcast’s Evil Plans For NBC

The cable giant will bring big changes to the ailing network, including usage limits and other tactics designed solely to piss you off. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@JRRaphael)

December 3, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Comcast - NBCComcast is planning to phase in many of its trademark evil features when it takes over NBC, eSarcasm has learned. The cable devil provider formally announced its intent to buy the network from GE on Thursday. The nefarious changes are expected to be unveiled as soon as the purchase is approved.

Comcast and the New NBC

Among the most notable changes will be the introduction of television viewing caps, a process commonly referred to as “throttling.” The new Can’t-See-TV initiative, as it’s being codenamed, is expected to mimic the heavily criticized bandwidth usage restrictions already imposed on Comcast’s Internet customers.

“The truth is that the majority of spectrum-usage is coming from a very small number of people who are consuming a very large amount of content,” Comcast spokesperson Stan Lucifer explains. “By limiting how much programming people can watch, we’ll be able to deliver a comparable viewing experience that’ll cost us slightly less.”

Following the introduction of viewing caps, eSarcasm has learned Comcast is planning to roll out a customer support center designed to give the “shittiest service humanly possible.” In addition to endless trees of computerized menus, anyone who manages to actually reach a live representative will be able to speak only with a dying camel from a remote region of India.

“We’ll carefully train those camels to treat every caller like a pile of manure,” Comcast’s Lucifer assures.

(When we pointed out that there’s really no need for a customer service line at a broadcast television network, the spokesperson adjusted himself and spat.)

Unconfirmed: Shady Billing and Customer Spying

Other planned Comcast-NBC changes are being kept closely guarded and have yet to be officially confirmed. An inside source, however, tells eSarcasm teams are working in overtime to find a way to bill people for watching basic network programming.

“Not only that, but the bills will be impossible to decipher and jam-packed with bogus fees,” our source says.

Comcast is also rumored to be experimenting with new technology that would put tiny surveillance cameras into the eyes of Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. The project would be decidedly more low-tech than Comcast’s past attempts to spy on customers through hidden cameras; in the new configuration, Williams would have to actually travel to various viewers’ homes and gaze into their windows to record footage.

“The idea is that people will be so excited to see him, they won’t question why he’s blankly staring into their living rooms,” our source says.
Stone Phillips
Williams was not immediately available for comment. eSarcasm was, however, able to speak with former Dateline NBC anchor/robot Stone Phillips about the matter.

“Good evening, I’m Stone Phillips,” he said.

(Original Comcast-devil image: District, Schmistrict)

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