Windows ‘Black Screen of Death’ Not Really Black, Says Microsoft
Alleged Windows system errors attributed to a whiter shade of fail, says company. eSarcasm regrets the errors (its and everyone else’s).
UPDATE 12/02: A report we published yesterday claiming Microsoft had introduced a new ‘equal opportunity campaign’ for Windows error screens may be in error. New developments in the story indicate that the so-called Black Screen of Death (BLSOD) was not black at all, but merely deeply tanned after an extended vacation in the Caribbean. eSarcasm regrets the error, but not enough to actually do anything about it. An updated report follows.
The so-called ‘Black Screen of Death’ may not be black after all, eSarcasm has learned.
An inexplicable bug that caused an unknown number of computer displays to turn dark was first reported last week by formerly obscure UK security firm PrevX. However, the soon-to-be-obscure-again firm was unable to produce long-form birth certificates proving the authenticity of its BLSOD claims.
After Microsoft contacted PrevX and promised to help the company obtain a new sphincter, it backed away from its initial conclusion that Microsoft security updates were to blame for the system failures. It now believes the so-called ‘Black Screen’ may have been caused by people accidentally hitting the power button on their displays.
PrevX also released the following statement:
“We’re really really sorry, it will never happen again. Oh God are we sorry. And we’d really like to see our families again. Please don’t hurt us.”
Microsoft also denied reports that the company was poised to introduce a new line of designer death screens in a variety of attractive pastels.
“We are no longer in the death screen business,” said a Microsoft spokesperson who claimed to not exist in corporeal form. “We are now in the system-runs-so-slowly-it-looks-frozen-when-it’s-just-struggling-to-display-a-dialog-box business.”
In related news: Tiger Woods has denied responsibility for causing the Windows Not-Black-Screen-of-Death when he crashed his car into a fire hydrant last week. However, in an article he penned for the Minneapolis Star Tribune, Mr. Woods issued an apology for nailing all those skanky bitches when he had such a smokin hottie at home.
Tiger/Ho Ho Ho photo courtesy of New York Daily News.
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