Alternate Reality

The SarcPad is Dead

Our Apple Tablet-killing device has passed on. It has joined the choir invisible; it has ceased to be; it is an ex-Tablet. In lieu of flowers, please send cash (small unmarked bills preferred).

By (@tynanwrites)

December 1, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

sarcpad-deadWe were so close we could taste it. Just days ago we were on the verge of shipping the SarcPad, our game-changing, paradigm-shifting Web tablet.

The SarcPad was a thing of beauty. It could sit on a table for hours without falling off. The paint almost never chipped. People would come into our offices, pick it up, marvel at its brilliant-yet-childishly-simple design, then suddenly remember they were late for an urgent appointment. We knew we had a winner on our hands.

In fact, we’d already planned the launch party. We’d just pulled the plastic wrap off the chilled shrimp and ordered up the strippers and blow when the email came in. It was from Julio, our lead engineer on the project (and, incidentally, a very fine gardener).

The subject line read: ‘ees bad news.’ Well, ‘Shit on a stick,’ we thought. ‘More manufacturing problems. More delays.’

Building a world-class consumer device when you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing isn’t as easy as it looks. First, the knobs wouldn’t stay on. (It turns out you need to use the real SuperGlue, not that cheap knock-off adhesive from Wal-Mart.) Then the logo kept peeling off (we ended up having to paint it on). We forgot to leave room for batteries, so we had to install a hand crank. The list goes on.

But when we opened the email we encountered bad news of an entirely different nature.

stripper-society-gal1-183x300

First, we discovered that our funding had dried up. It seems JR is not about to receive $35 million from the former Finance Minister of Namibia. That was all just a scam. Can you believe it? We were crushed.

Worse, Julio informed us that after consulting with his grandmother and several of his cousins, he’d decided to wrest control of the project — OUR project — from us. The SarcPad was no longer ours. In fact, he wrote, the name totally sucked and he was changing it to the JulioPad. 

And while most of the note was in Spanish, we’re pretty sure all the references to “incompetente boobes” had something to do with us.

Months after it began, the entire project self destructed over greed, sloth, pride, lust, gluttony and the other two sins we can never remember.

It’s a sad day at eSarcasm LLC. Hitting the publish button on this post, which makes all of this so…final…is a very hard thing to do. We’re enraged, embarrassed, and damp in all the wrong places. The SarcPad is now in the toilet. And so is JR. Knew he shouldn’t have eaten that shrimp.






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Comments

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    Dan, I know that you're overcome with sadness about the demise of the SarcPad, but aren't you going to let that sadness turn into righteous anger? Aren't you going to go out and sue a bunch of people? Isn't the IP for the SarcPad jointly owned by you, Julio the engineer/gardener, the brother-in-law of the former defense minister of Namibia, and that cute barista at Starbucks? Can't you extract millions from Julio for stealing your…oh, wait, I forgot. Julio only makes minimum wage. Never mind the lawsuit stuff.

    Well, Dan, live and learn. Perhaps you guys can form a health care business instead.

  • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

    well, I went out and strangled a kitten. does that count as righteous anger? good point about the lawsuits, though. I'll consult my attorneys, Bideme & Blowme LLP. I'm sure we can cook up something frivolous yet profitable.

    dt

  • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

    well, I went out and strangled a kitten. does that count as righteous anger? good point about the lawsuits, though. I'll consult my attorneys, Bideme & Blowme LLP. I'm sure we can cook up something frivolous yet profitable.

    dt