Alternate Reality

Live – err, Dead Blogging the CrunchPad Funeral

TechCrunch impresario Michael Arrington buried his dream today. eSarcasm has the exclusive semi-live report from the memorial service for the dearly departed Web tablet.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 30, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

crunchpad funeral1:58 PM: We’re here live dead blogging the funeral for the CrunchPad – the Dead Simple Web Tablet that suffered a tragic unexpected death earlier today.

2:01 PM: The mood is somber here at the Sunnyvale Moose Lodge #2049, some 10 miles south of TechCrunch’s Palo Alto headquarters, as we wait for the official ceremonies to begin. Still, there’s quite an impressive turnout given how quickly the event was organized. Many of the valley’s top VCs and their daytime mistresses appear to be in attendance.

2:04 PM: Mainstream media were strictly forbidden from attending (they’re all parked outside the police barricades, laughing their asses off) so we had to sneak in dressed as ushers.

2:05 PM: In case you’re wondering, when it comes to handing out tips, VC guys suck ass.

2:07 PM: The coffin is closed and smaller than we expected; they must be burying one of those groovy paper-thin prototypes we saw last June, not the horsey Kindle-like things they actually built.

2:09 PM: There’s a special section near the casket cordoned off by dark bulletproof glass – most likely for all those reliable anonymous sources Arrington has collected over the years.

2:10 PM: There’s TechCrunch writer Robin Wauters, wearing a black armband and struggling to hold back tears. TC editor Erick Schonfeld is next to him. He’s dressed in a black cowl, rocking back and forth, softly moaning.

2:12 PM: eSarcasm has learned attendance is mandatory for all TechCrunch staffers. Anyone who sniggers or otherwise displays anything less than inconsolable grief will be forced to eat lunch with Michael Arrington for a month.

2:17 PM: To keep TechCrunch going during the ceremony we’ve learned they’re using the AutoRumor technology that was expected to be part of the CrunchPad OS. At any moment we expect to see stories about Apple buying Disney Studios and Megan Fox being a man.

2:19 PM: A gaggle of venture capitalists just emerged from the bathroom with an unidentified white substance under their nostrils. Must be those powdered doughnuts they were serving at the hospitality table.

2:21 PM: Still awaiting the appearance of Michael Arrington. The crowd seems to be getting a bit restless. Somebody blew up a beachball, and now they’re batting it back and forth across the center aisle.

2:25 PM: The New York Times sent a nice floral arrangement. Can’t quite read it from where we’re sitting, but the first word appears to be “Suck.”

2:27 PM: The music (Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”) has stopped. Arrington may be on his way. The crowd goes quiet.

2:29 PM: New music now – Wagner’s “The Ride of the Valkeries.” Arrington appears and takes the podium.

2:30 PM: He opens strong: “To paraphrase Warren Shakespeare, ‘We have come to bury the CrunchPad, not to raise venture capital for it.'”

2:35 PM: Arrington just uttered two sentences in a row without using the word “I”. He must really be choked up.

2:39 PM: He’s tearing up a bit. Talking about the long hours he spent slaving over a hot soldering iron, building the first CrunchPad prototypes.

2:42 PM: And now the famous Arrington anger. He’s threatening to sue his manufacturing and design partners, Steve Jobs, Silicon Valley Insider, the Pope, and – for reasons that are as yet unclear — the Geico Gecko.

2:46 PM: Arrington has produced an ax – Lord knows where he was hiding it – and is smashing the coffin to bits. Really just wailing on it. Wood and cheap Korean electronics are flying everywhere. It’s an amazing sight. Now we really regret leaving the video camera at the motel.

2:51 PM: Palo Alto’s finest arrive on the scene and escort Arrington off the podium. And in a nick of time, too, because it looked like he was about to have a coronary.

2:53 PM: The mourners begin filing out. We race out to the hospitality table, but all the cookies have been eaten, except for the ones with Macadamian nuts. Yet another Silicon Valley tragedy unfolds.

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