Alternate Reality

In Loving Memory: The CrunchPad, 2008 – 2009

Michael Arrington’s CrunchPad died this week. While mourners lay the tablet to rest, detectives are launching what could become a homicide investigation.

By (@JRRaphael)

November 30, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

CrunchPad DeadThe CrunchPad, a mythical touchscreen tablet device, died Monday at the TechCrunch headquarters in Palo Alto. It was 16 months old.

An official cause of death is still pending. Preliminary reports, however, indicate overconfidence and a constant craving for public attention could have led to the device’s demise. CrunchPad creator Michael Arrington is reportedly being questioned.

The CrunchPad: A Rumor-Filled Life

Conceived by Arrington in the summer of 2008, the CrunchPad lived a short but high-profile life. Despite the fact that it never actually existed, the device spawned countless headlines and blog postings filled with unfounded speculation.

One of the more well-sourced reports suggested the CrunchPad contained patented “AutoRumor” and “AlwaysRight” technologies, made to emulate the TechCrunch reading experience. Another stated the device had “glued-on” knobs, an 80-by-40 resolution screen, and a “stylus that look[ed] and smell[ed] suspiciously like a Dry Erase marker.”

As recently as two weeks ago, Arrington insisted the CrunchPad was “steamrolling” toward its market-changing release. Those comments are certain to echo in the minds of the millions expected to mourn the device’s passing in the coming days.

Questioning the CrunchPad’s Death

Arrington described the CrunchPad’s death as feeling “so final.” He told reporters it was “a sad day” and went on to implicate partner company Fusion Garage in the fatality.

“We’re still completely perplexed as to what happened,” Arrington said. “”I’m enraged, embarrassed, and just…sad.”

Though formal charges have yet to be filed, police are expected to treat the death as a homicide. Sources indicate Arrington and others could be named suspects within as little as 48 hours. So far, however, no connections have been made between this case and the recent murder of Internet Explorer 6.

CrunchPad Memorial

The CrunchPad is survived by several other pieces of nonexistent technology, including the Apple Tablet, the Google Phone, and, of course, the eSarcasm SarcPad.

Funeral arrangements are now pending. A public memorial has been scheduled for late Monday afternoon.

eSarcasm will have exclusive live-blogging coverage of the event. Look for our report later today.

UPDATE: Our funeral report is now live — err, dead… or something, we’re not sure.

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