Alternate Reality

It Ain’t Heavy, It’s Arringtonium

German scientists just added a new super-heavy element to the periodic table. Brace yourselves, kids; more designer molecules are on the way.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 11, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

250px-mad_scientistsvgWhile you were busy surfing porn, scientists in Germany were busy adding brand new elements to the periodic table. (See? This is why they almost won the war.)

A team led by Sigurd Hofmann at the Center for Heavy Ion Research has created Element 112, a new super-heavy molecule featuring 112 protons and neutrons that was created by bombarding a lead with zinc ions until it cried ‘No mas.’

Element 112 has been temporarily dubbed “Ununbium” (from the Latin for “one-one-two”) until the scientists manage to come up with a name normal humans can pronounce.

So far, a grand total of four Ununbium molecules have been produced in the lab, all of which decayed after a few milliseconds. But in the world of high-energy nuclear physics, that qualifies it for a retirement party and a gold watch.

Of course, Ununbium is hardly the only man-made molecule that’s been in development. Working with the International Center for Weight-Challenged Ions (and Day Spa), eSarcasm has identified seven other designer ‘cules that may soon be coming to a chemistry set near you:

Arringtonium: A substance that refuses to bind with any other molecule it considers inferior; so far, that includes all of them. No useful applications have been identified for it.

Opraxygen: Molecularly similar to oxygen, this element oscillates between being slightly heavy and extremely heavy, depending on the number of snack foods nearby.

Trumponium: An extremely unstable element that randomly fires electrons; it may prove useful as a binding agent in hair products.

Ashtonite: This highly inconsequential element is lighter than air; it may be used to add bouyancy to breast implants for women over 40.

Ulrichium: This Metallic substance is one of the oldest in existence, yet it still claims to be the only heavy metal that matters.

Jolieum: Extremely hot, radioactive element that is gradually cooling, Jolieum binds itself to more and more smaller atoms over time. Useful for attracting paparazzi.

Obamanese: Highly malleable substance used as a catylist for chemical change, but only those it can believe in.

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