Rants In Our Pants

AOL’s Logo-A-Go-Go: New Brand, Same Old Shit

The former America Online is rebranding itself yet again for 2010. Its secret weapons? Goldfish, fabric softener, and cat toys. eSarcasm has the exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 24, 2009

new-aol-logosWe’re on the verge of a new year and that can mean only one thing: AOL is rebranding itself. Again.

This time, though, the worlds biggest running joke ISP will be doing it with with one-third fewer employees and without Big Daddy, AKA Time Warner Inc., which is kicking it to the curb in 2010.

Not to worry, though. The new AOL will be “uniquely dynamic.” How do we know this? We read the press release. We’ll just skip over the nouns and verbs in the release and get right to the rest of the adjectives: Independent, simple, stimulating, confident, world-class, creative, talented, clear, passionate, ambitious, open, generous, credible, bold, exciting.

Now there’s some good press release writin’. Doesn’t get better than that.

And, oh yeah: It’s not called AOL anymore. It’s “Aol.” No, that’s not a period at the end of a sentence, that trailing dot is part of the logo. Because that’s. just. so. friggin’. cool.

Per AOL CEO Time Armstrong:

“There’s always something behind AOL. That’s the thing that we’re hoping to get across with our AOL brand. The AOL brand is composed of many different things. The nomenclature of the dot is what comes after the dot.”

They also hired foo-foo design firm Wolff Olins to drop that logo on top of a series of “bold and exciting… credible but also aspirational” designs.

AOL — err, Aol. — shared some of these new credible-yet-aspirational designs with the world. We’ve deeply analyzed each one and come up with our own nomenclature for “what comes after the dot”:

aol fabric softener-100x80p

Aol.fabric.softener

Squirt a bunch of Downey Ultra into a bucket, add a high-speed camera with a strobe flash, and voila — instant logo. This indicates the new AOL will leave your clothes smelling fresh and clean while preventing static cling.

FUCKING PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES

aol goldfish 100x80p

Aol.goldfish

AOL: Always moving, always growing, always surprised to find a castle with bubbles coming out of it. And, like a treasured if temporary family pet, it will be swirling down the toilet in a few months time.

FUCKING PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES AND SUBHEDS REFUSE

aol tidy bowl 100x80p

Aol.Tidy.Bowl

The deep rich blue symbolizes hope, purity, and disinfectant. FUCKING PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES AND SUBHEDS REFUSE TO LINE UP CORRECTLY. FUCKING PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES AND SUBHEDS REFUSE FUCKING PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES AND SUBHEDS REFUSE

aol wtf 100x80p

Aol.WTF?

This appears to be one of the LOLcatz whose brain has been implanted with an egg containing thousands of baby LOLcatz. Thanks, AOL. We won’t be able to sleep again for a long long time. FUCKING PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES AND SUBHEDS REFUSE TO LINE UP CORRECTLY FUCKING PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES AND SUBHEDS REFUSE

aol cat toy 100x80p

Aol.cat.toy

Apparently one of those LOLcatz got into a ball of yarn. Those darned LOLcatz! FUCKING PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES AND SUBHEDS REFUSE TO LINE UP CORRECTLY FUCKING PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES AND SUBHEDS REFUSE

aol satan 100x80p

Aol.Satan

Nothing like making the mark of the beast with your hand to symbolize AOL’s true nature.  That, or they’re just crazy about the University of Texas “hook ‘em horns” salute. When you come down to it, though, is there really a difference?

Best of all, the new “Aol.” typeface is always reversed (white on a dark background). So when there’s no background behind it, it will look something like this:   

That’s their best design idea yet.






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Comments

  • Jim DeMian

    You guys are really good. If I had not seen the press release, I would not have believed it. As they say, “You can't make this up.” Thanks for being here to help us preserve what little sanity we have left. : )

    Good luck.

    Jim

  • Lori the Martian

    lol, This is a great article. Although, on my iPod Touch, you can read your phantom text… :)

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      Lori: think of it as an easter egg. a profane, accidental easter egg.

      - dt

  • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

    Lori: think of it as an easter egg. a profane, accidental easter egg.

    - dt

  • Blah

    PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES AND SUBHEDS REFUSE TO LINE UP CORRECTLY FUCKING PHANTOM TEXT BECAUSE THE IMAGES AND SUBHEDS REFUSE