Rants In Our Pants

Bringing You the World in 11 Words

When you’re Steve Jobs, eleven words are more than enough for communicating with mere mortals. Soon all CEOs will be emulating the terse no-nonsense style of the world’s most important person.

By (@eSarcasm)

November 23, 2009

saint steven of jobsThe messiah has spoken. In a rare email appearance, Apple savior Steve Jobs communicated with a mere mortal last week.

The mortal in question, Jon Devor, wrote a polite letter to The Chosen One asking if Apple would mind not suing the pants off his company, The Little App Factory, for making a product called iPodRip that lets you backup and transfer your iTunes collection. He ended it with:

It is quite obvious that we mean Apple no harm with the use of the name iPodRip, or of the inclusion of trademarked items in our icons, and in fact I believe that we have been providing an excellent secondary service to Apple customers that has potentially caused you many repeat clients. ….

With this in mind, we are in desperate need of some assistance and we beseech you to help us to protect our product and our shareware company, both of which we have put thousands upon thousands of hours of work into. Our company goal is to create Mac software of the highest quality with the best user experience possible. I myself dropped out of school recently to pursue a path in the Mac software industry, and you yourself have been a consistent inspiration for me.

The Steve’s response, in its entirety:

Change your apps name. Not that big of a deal.


Naturally, Devor did as commanded and changed the app’s name to iRip. So far, he has not been turned into a pillar of salt. 

You know what’s going to happen next. Soon, all CEOs and other members of the technorati will be communicating in terse, 11-word missives. Because everyone wants to be like Steve.

Here’s what some of them might say:

“AOL in lowercase letters. Why didn’t I think of that? Damn.” –Steve Case

“Just be grateful we didn’t delete all your books, dick wad.” –Jeff Bezos

“We give you all this free shit and still you complain?” –Sergey Brin

“Will someone explain to me what this ‘Google’ machine actually is?” –Rupert Murdoch

“At Facebook we value your privacy. Almost as much as money.” –Mark Zuckerberg

“How sleazy are we? Find out for just $10 a month.” –Michael Schutzler (Classmates.com)

Yahoo Schmahoo. With my stock options I can buy an island.” –Carol Bartz

“Oh, fuck. Gotta feign excitement over yet another shitty IE product.” –Steve Ballmer

“That performance was tame compared to what happened backstage with Seacrest.” –Adam Lambert

“How to state an unsubstantiated rumor in eleven words? Must think.” —Michael Arrington

“App approval should be a totalitarian process. Seems fair to me.” —Phil Schiller

“If I write about sex enough, surely I will get groupies.” —Dr. Smartass

“Why people like my movies is honestly beyond me. Any idea?” –Matthew McConaughey
shatner hooker green skin

“Keeping Shatner happy: Always call him ‘captain’; hookers with green skin.” –Jeffery Boyd (Priceline)

“So what do I do with the other 87 fucking characters?” –Evan Williams (Twitter)

St. Steven of Jobs image courtesy of You AUGHT To Remember.

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