When a Man Loves a Video Game Character

A guy in Guam has apparently married a virtual girl from a video game. That is one honeymoon sex tape we do not want to see.

By (@JRRaphael)

November 20, 2009

Video Game MarriageLadies and gentlemen, we have officially reached a new level of lameness: A guy in Guam has seemingly married a made-up character from a video game. Yes, married. For realsies.

The fellow, according to blog reports, fell in love with a virtual girl from a Nintendo DS game. He took his console into a church and made an honest, um, cartoon out of her.

The game is called Love Plus, by Konami. For those of you who aren’t antisocial losers, I took the liberty of looking up some facts about this piece of lonely-man porn:

The first half of the game is about getting along with the three [female] characters … and the second half will be after one of the girls confesses her love to you.

It’s that second half where the wild masturbation typically begins.

You can have contact with the girl using the touch pad.

You cannot, however, touch her with your joystick.

Players are free to set how they want the girl to address them by. Everything from “anata” or “goshujinsama” to personal names like “akihiro” or “keisuke” are possible and will be fully voiced.

Love Plus Video Game MarriageJust don’t try for “Big Poppa.” You aren’t fooling anyone.

Studying for tests in the game will be done in a quiz format. If you get everything right, you can get a reward from the girl.

If you do really well, she’ll even pretend you aren’t pathetic.

It also supports the in-built DS microphone and has voice recognition, allowing the player to actually talk to the girl. As an example, you can ask her what she likes and she would reply.

Stock responses include “awkward dorks who get boners over video games” and “greasy nerds who live in their parents’ basement.”

The events using the touch pad aren’t simple stuff like flipping her skirt … but something that would make the player start sweating from embarrassment. There will also be scenes which will be thrilling in more ways than one.

Hey, there’s no thrill like your first time. Your first time pretending to make out with a cartoon girl, that is. When you’re 27 years old.

In defense of our pitiful lame-ass happy groom, he’s not the only one trying to get serious with these on-screen lolitas: Thirty-five hundred people and counting have signed an online petition to legalize marriage between men and two-dimensional characters in Japan.

In related news, there are 12,700 Google results for “Nintendo DS liquid damage.” You do the math.

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