Alternate Reality

McDonald’s to Offer New ‘Upscale’ Environment, Same Shitty Food

McDonald’s is showing off its first luxury restaurant, complete with flat-screen TVs and free Wi-Fi. But some things never change.

By (@JRRaphael)

November 19, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The following is the press release we think should have been sent out about the new upscale McDonald’s restaurant. As far as we know, it never actually was.

McDonald's Upscale RestaurantNEW YORK — You can now expand your waistline in style, thanks to McDonald’s new high-end approach to fast-food dining.

America’s favorite artery-clogging establishment has unveiled its first upscale American eatery in Midtown Manhattan. The modern McDonald’s, inspired by the company’s success in Europe, features flat-screen TVs, free Wi-Fi, and plush, lounge-like seating. There’s subdued lighting, ample outlets for laptops, and elegantly painted walls. And, of course, the same shitty food as always.

“Some things change over the years, and that’s why we’re adapting,” explains McDonald’s spokesperson Hugh Jass. “But some things remain the same. And one of those things is Americans’ desire to eat disgusting, shoddily prepared sponges of grease.”

McDonald's EmployeesEven the employees’ uniforms are updated in the sleek new McD’s concept: Workers are outfitted in fashionable all-black attire — another step intended to create a hip, boutique-like vibe.

“When you’re about to ingest a 740-calorie hunk of lard, you want it to be handed to you by someone who looks nice,” Jass says. “Incompetent employees in silly-looking visors is a thing of the past. Those pimply-faced schmucks will now be wearing nice shirts.”

Patrons at the upscale Golden Arches are already expressing their delight with the changes.

“I’ve never felt so trendy while eating a Filet-o-Fish,” says Harry Rump, a 43-year-old who dines daily at the transformed location. “I actually thought I could feel my newfound elegance starting to ooze over me — but then I realized it was just the tartar sauce.”

McDonald's Anus BurgerMcDonald’s saw a tremendous response when it first introduced the sophisticated dining concept at its European locations in 2007. In that rollout, the restaurants also offered higher quality, healthier food items in addition to the cosmetic changes. With the American franchises, however, such an alteration seemed unnecessary.

“We’ll class up the joint when it comes to the seating and technology,” Jass says. “But offering meals with actual nutritional value? That’s like letting the terrorists win.”

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