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In the End, We’re All Google Whores

What do flaming Care Bears, ninnyhammers, and parakeets with intestinal problems have in common? They’re all disturbing — yet real — Google Trends.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 17, 2009

care bears on fireWe admit it. Like 98.4 percent of the blogosphere, we’re Google Trends whores. We’ll write about anything that rises to the tippy top of that disturbing social experiment in what people are truly thinking about, just to get a slice of that yummy Web traffic.

For example, did you see that cheap shot Brady Quinn leveled on Terrell Suggs last night? Neither did we. But it’s at the top of Google Trends at this moment in time, so we’re damned sure going to write about it.

How about those Walmart black friday 2009 ads? Aren’t they something? Makes us want to run right out and tell Cy Young award winner Zach Greinke and Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe. We’d tell former MTV Remote Control host Ken Ober, but he’s dead.

Also, we’re deeply concerned about Concerned Women for America. We just wanted to put that out there.

We’d do anything – and we’re specifically talking about favors of a sexual nature here – to get in good with Google. God knows there are plenty of other bloggers doing something funky to constantly land in the top slots on Google. It sure ain’t talent.

Sometimes, though, some of the Google Trends you see make you sit back, scratch your head, and say, “What the fuck?”

We’ve gathered up the goofiest Google Trends we’ve encountered over the past week for your viewing enjoyment. Here’s what America has been searching for — literally. God help us all.

1. “Care Bears on Fire”

care bears on fire small

About time somebody took a torch to those motherfuckers.

2. “Heated Toilet Seat”

heated toilet seat small

Fortunately the hotness is only “medium” — we wouldn’t want you to roast your hamhocks.

3. “Intersex genital photos”

intersex genital photos small

Though we have no idea what these things are, we’re not surprised most of the searches occurred in Los Angeles. Still, if they’re really On Fire, we’d recommend a strong dose of penicillin.

4. “Ninnyhammer”

ninnyhammer small

What this has to do with the Shuttle, AOL, Hail Mary passes, and Bill O’Reilly totally escapes us. You might as well knock us upside the head with a Ninnyhammer.

5. “Camel Ammo”

camel ammo small

Because you don’t want to be packing the wrong ammo when a camel sneaks up behind you. How the camels got to New York City, though, remains a mystery.

6. “Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance”

happiness in marriage small

Though we find that copious quantities of vodka also help.

7. “Why won’t my parakeet eat my diarrhea?”

parakeet diarrhea

That’s one of those Zen koans we’ve been struggling with for years. And also why we’re on the ASPCA’s terrorist watchlist.

But as for the dead Pakistani on your couch, we suspect the parakeet is involved.

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