Alternate Reality

Seven More Carrie Prejean Sex Tapes Revealed

It appears family values beauty queen Carrie Prejean has been churning out sex tapes the way Krispy Kreme churns out honey glazed doughnuts. We are shocked, shocked we tell you.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 15, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

carrie-prejean-racy-picturesForensic video investigators have unearthed 7 more solo sex tapes and more than two dozen nude photos of former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean, all taken while she was a minor.

Through a spokesperson*, Ms. Prejean said she deeply regrets making sex tapes 2, 3, 6, and 7, but really enjoyed nos. 1, 4, and 5, and was too blasted to remember much about sex tape number 8.

However, the spokesperson denied rumors that Ms. Prejean’s new book, Still Standing, is being repackaged by her publishers as Still Laying on My Back Playing With My Hootchie.
carrie prejean still standing book cover

After rumors of a single Carrie Prejean sex tape first appeared earlier this month, Ms. Prejean dropped her $1 million suit against organizers of the Miss California USA pageant, which agreed to foot the $5200 bill for her pre-pageant breast augmentation.

In an interview with Christianity Today, Ms Prejean revealed that her breast implants had been endorsed by Jesus — putting her in excellent company.

No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it’s a personal decision. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants.

Ms. Prejean failed to add that though the Bible warns against succumbing to the curse of Onan and spilling one’s seed upon the earth, the Good Book does not specifically prohibit pleasuring oneself with 9-inch vibrating dildo named “Mandingo.”

After news of the sex tapes became public, Ms. Prejean had to cancel speaking engagements at family-oriented Christian conferences. However, eSarcasm has learned that the 21-year-old beauty has been invited to perform at the Adult Video Awards Show in Las Vegas.

With her strong family values background and smoking hot bod, Ms. Prejean is considered a contender for the Republican presidential nomination in 2024.

Editor’s note: The editors of eSarcasm would like to apologize for posting this story, as there is really no technology angle to speak of. They just couldn’t resist.

*Which may have just been JR doing a fake accent

Photos: TMZ, mostly.

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