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12 More Companies Google Should Acquire

Dear Google: Please acquire these 12 companies. It would provide great comic relief. Love, eSarcasm

By (@eSarcasm)

November 10, 2009

Google MonsterConsider yourself warned: The Google monster is back in town.

Google has rekindled its appetite for acquisition, buying mobile ad company AdMob for $750 million and reportedly forking over another $30 mil to snatch up VOIP provider Gizmo5 at the same time. The moves may mark the end of a relatively dry spell for the once-insatiable giant: Google’s bought only five startups in the past two years, according to BusinessWeek, and is now poised to buy one company every month indefinitely.

So who should Google grab next? We here at eSarcasm are no business prodigies, but we know a good opportunity when we see one. We’re confident these 12 companies would fare well under Google’s wing — or, at the very least, provide us ample fodder for easy punchlines.

1. Amazon

First they’ll digitize the world’s library (eat shit, you whiny copyright holders), then they’ll secretly delete books they don’t like from your portable devices. Shop at Gamazon, the world’s largest totalitarian store!

2. TechCrunch

Google gains integrated search for unsubstantiated rumors. Plus, with recently named NYT Ethics Czar Michael Arrington on its staff, the G-Team will be able to hold regular training sessions on arrogant douchebaggery ethical decision-making.

3. XTube

If any industry needs the magic Google touch, it’s the porn. Who knows? We might end up with amateurs who are actually amateur and “schoolgirls” under 35 years of age.

4. The CIA

Combine Google’s crazy interview questions and the CIA’s crazy interrogation tactics, and man oh man, you’d have a Q&A session no one could survive.Google Acquisitions

5. Microsoft

Mainly just because “G-Bing” sounds like the most badass rapper name we’ve ever heard.

6. Digg

Google finally wrests control of Digg from the 12-year-old Mafia, allowing things other than game mods, Cracked.com posts, and hot pix of Megan Fox to rise to the top of the charts. On Gigg, they could install spellcheckers and permanently ban the word “FAIL!” from the comments fields.

7. Mashable

Why hire humans to surf Google Trends and write up completely unoriginal 300-word summaries when a Gashable bot can do it faster and cheaper? Well, faster anyway.

8. Yahoo

For Christ’s sake, someone needs to put those fuckers out of their misery already.
G-Spot

9. A Gynecological Association

Mix the American Gynecological & Obstetrical Society with Google Maps and what do you get? G-Spot: A handy guide that helps you pinpoint the exact location of her elusive happy button.

10. Obama Care

Google takes over the entire $900 billion health care reform program. Mostly because we can’t wait for the teabaggers to start calling the Google billionaires “socialists.”

11. eSarcasm

Mildly amusing geek humor has never been so readily available. But you already knew this one was coming.

12. Google

Think of it like acquisition masturbation: Sure, merging with yourself may seem pointless. But hey, that’s never stopped you, has it?

(Google Monster image courtesy ssqq.com)






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