Alternate Reality

Rupert Murdoch Points Solar Death Ray at Google

Space-based weapons system to be tested on the Googleplex, says Fox News mogul. White House may be next. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 9, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The love affair between Google News and Fox News is apparently over.

In an interview last Friday with his own Sky News, Rupert Murdoch said he planned to keep Google News from indexing all News Corp Web sites, effectively making the Wall Street Journal, New York Post, Fox News, and other popular Murdoch-owned sites invisible to the search giant.


The move did not surprise observers, noting that in the past top News Corp execs had likened Google and other search aggregators to “parasites or tech tapeworms in the intestines of the internet” that “encourage promiscuity.”

eSarcasm has learned that during segments of the video not shown on Australian TV, the aging media baron also vowed to turn the Googleplex into a smoldering heap of rubble, thanks to a new space-based weapons system he’d been secretly developing since January 1993.

Orbiting 150 miles above the earth’s surface, the Foxinator 5000 can direct the Sun’s ultraviolet energy toward virtually any spot on the planet, instantly rendering it to ash but without contributing to global warming, which is of course a myth.

“I love the smell of burning Segways in the morning,” the 137-year-old mogul reportedly said. 

foxinator 5000 solar death ray google

In the interview, Sir Rupert also said he’d really hoped to unveil the weapon by using it on the Obama White House, but had reluctantly concluded that protecting his bottom line was ultimately more important than ridding the world of socialism.

Earlier this year, Murdoch announced a plan to put all of his empire’s whacko nutjob birther minutemen teabagger loonietunes fair-and-balanced content behind a paywall, which could only be accessed after users provided their credit card numbers, a long-form birth certificate, and a pledge of lifelong fealty to Bill O’Reilly.

Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page were busy playing hacky sack and could not be reached for comment.

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