Rants In Our Pants

Facebook & Twitter Are Not Turning Us Into Pervs

New findings from the Pew Internet & American Life Project say diversity triumphs over perversity for the technologically obsessed.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 6, 2009

facebook flasherGood news, boys and girls. Technology is not turning us into twisted, socially maladjusted freaks. (Well, except for JR, but he started out that way.)

New research from the Pew Internet & American Life Project indicates that, despite all the time you waste on Twitter and Facebook, you’re probably not the deeply creepy person everyone tries to avoid riding alone with in the elevator.

Thanks to technology, our social networks — the real flesh and blood ones, not just the software simulacra — are growing more diverse. According to Pew, Internet and cell phone users reach out and annoy more people more often than their technologically challenged brethren.

Here’s a sampling of Pew’s news:

…ownership of a mobile phone and participation in a variety of internet activities [are] associated with larger and more diverse core discussion networks.

Whereas only 45% of Americans discuss important matters with someone who is not a family member, Internet users are 55% more likely to have a nonkin discussion partners.

(They were also 34 percent more likely to have a boinkin’ discussion partner.)

Internet users are 38% less likely to rely exclusively on their spouses/partners as discussion confidants.

(See boinkin’ discussion partners, above.)

Those who use the Internet to upload photos to share online are 61% more likely to have discussion partners that cross political lines.

(And if the photos they’re uploading are nudie pix, line crossing jumps into the high 90’s.)

We went ahead and substituted “boinkin'” for “nonkin” in the following quote. It just seemed easier:

Mobile phone users, general internet users and especially internet users who go online at home more than once per day, share digital photos online or exchange instant messages have more boinkin’ in their core networks. The diversity of core networks tends to be 25% larger for mobile phone users and 15% larger for internet users. However, some internet activities are associated with having an even larger boinkin’ core networks. Compared to other internet users, those who frequently use the internet at home tend to have an additional 17% boinkin’, those who share photos average 12% more boinkin’, and those who use instant messaging tend to have 19% more boinkin’.

And finally:

Users of social networking services are 26% less likely to use their neighbors as a source of companionship, but they remain as likely as other people to provide companionship to their neighbors.

(We think you can guess where we’re going with this one.)
iphone porn small

Meanwhile, in a study commissioned by consumer shopping site Retrevo (which has nothing to do with the Pew study but we couldn’t find anywhere else to put it) 20 percent of iPhone users admit to accessing porn on their handsets. Or, to phrase it another way, 80 percent of iPhone users are liars.

Not content with merely regurgitating other people’s work in order to steal their Web traffic, we conducted our own rigorous deeply scientific research by calling people at random, sniggering and hanging up. Our findings:

  • 13 percent actually answered the question, “Is your refrigerator running?”

  • 7 percent said that yes, as of matter of fact, they did have Prince Albert in the can.
  • dianetics small

  • 18 percent were interested in learning how the power of Dianetics could radically transform their lives.

  • 27 percent gave even less of a shit about Jon and Kate Gosselin than we do.

  • 32 percent of women agreed to send us naughty cell phone pix.

  • 77 percent of the time we were sorry we asked.

Bottom line: Does spending 99.9 percent of your waking hours on the Internet truly lead to more boinkin’? It’s too early to reach a definitive conclusion. More first-hand research is needed.

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