Alternate Reality

Source: iPhone Taken to Secure Bunker In Advance of Droid Launch

Apple has rushed the iPhone to an underground location where it will wait out the Droid’s launch, sources say. An increase in “iPhone killer” chatter may have provoked the heightened protection.

By (@jr_raphael)

November 5, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Verizon Droid Launch: The iPhone BunkerApple’s iPhone has been taken to a top-secret bunker in advance of Friday’s Motorola Droid launch, eSarcasm has learned.

Well-placed sources within Apple confirm that the phone was escorted to a secure underground location as a security precaution early Thursday morning.

“Apple’s intelligence picked up a great deal of chatter on various Internet blogs and forums describing the Droid as an ‘iPhone killer,’” a person with inside knowledge of the operation divulges. “They simply couldn’t take any chances.”

The Droid, set to go on sale across America as early as 7 a.m. on Friday, has been hyped by many as the first serious competitor to Apple’s closely controlled device. The same Chinese Communist Party officials who helped inspire the iPhone’s culture are said to be involved in its protection.

“There’ll be scores of commies guarding the bunker,” our source confirms.

The security may not stop there, either. E-mails sent to eSarcasm’s tip line indicate the entire Apple HQ may be put into lockdown on Friday, with newly named CEO-of-the-decade Steve Jobs retreating to his own solitary lair beneath an unspecified RadioShack location. (Apple security determined that to be the safest place possible, leaked documents indicate, noting that no one appears to have entered the store in five to seven years.)

“Look, the Droid has already started chipping away at Apple’s wall of delusion,” our source explains. “If people continue to realize how overrated and restricting the iPhone actually is, we could have an all-out revolt on our hands.”

Should the threat level increase further, Apple is reportedly prepared to activate its carefully guarded “IPHONE666″ remote takeover system. Such a step, never before initiated, would provide Apple full control over its iPhone-carrying masses.

“They’re certainly hoping it doesn’t come to that,” our source says. “But if the Droid turns out to be the ‘killer’ it’s been painted as, they’re willing to do whatever is necessary to protect the iPhone and its godlike image.”






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Comments

  • ItsMrJerkToYou

    I heard that these godless Droids don't have soft, friendly edges and instead are all metal and hard and square and threatening and even make fun of light-hearted, life-is-wonderful pop tunes. Is that true? My god, apple simply must beef up it's security and protect us from this open-source scourge. Where's Dick Cheney when you need him?

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      Dick is in an undisclosed location — also under a Radio Shack, I understand.

      • itsmrjerktoyou

        Let's hope Dick is safe and in control for the sake of the free world.

        We do have to be vigilant about iPhone killers. We certainly can't let apple become a failed nuclear state considering their claim that their nuclear iPhone program is for peaceful purposes only is patently false. I think the statements by Kim Jobs-il about how easily their iNukes sync up with iTunes can not and should not be taken lightly.

  • itsmrjerktoyou

    Let's hope Dick is safe and in control for the sake of the free world.

    We do have to be vigilant about iPhone killers. We certainly can't let apple become a failed nuclear state considering their claim that their nuclear iPhone program is for peaceful purposes only is patently false. I think the statements by Kim Jobs-il about how easily their iNukes sync up with iTunes can not and should not be taken lightly.