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OMG, Twitter’s Found Jesus

A new Web site called Christian Chirp claims to be the Twitter for the God-fearing masses. Here are 20 ways “tweeting for Jesus” is just a bit different.

By (@eSarcasm)

November 3, 2009

Christian TwitterWhat do you get when you cross Twitter with Christianity? A brand new knockoff site that promises to bring you the tweets you love without all those pesky opposing views.

Christian Chirp, officially launched this week, calls itself the “Christian version of Twitter.” It’s run by James Paris, the same outstanding fellow behind ChristianMoney.com — you know, the site that “helps you make the most of God’s money” (with any number of purchases that’ll get you rich quick!).

Paris says he decided to start Christian Chirp after being suspended from Twitter for “sharing his conservative views.” Apparently to him, “sharing conservative views” means incessantly spamming links about Rush Limbaugh to dozens of unsuspecting users.

But hey — thou shalt not judge. Regardless of the reason for its conception, we were immediately excited to see the idea of a Christian Twitter being resurrected. We spent some time surfing the site and came up with 20 ways it differs from the regular ol’ Twitter we know and love.*

*List is based on our own demented minds and likely has little correlation with what actually goes on at ChristianChirp.com.

ChristianChirp1. Popular Twitter trending topics such as “#DuringSex” and “#AfterSex” are not permitted among the unmarried. Users may, however, participate in such fun daily trends as “#AbstainFromSexBecause” and “#WhyAnal’sStillOkay.”

2. Instead of social media experts, you get spiritual manipulation experts. Both are equally full of shit.

3. The service allows you to embed links to news stories within chirps, but only if they point to FoxNews.com or GlennBeck.com. Any links to msnbc.com will automatically be redirected.

4. Tweetups are called ChirpUrps, and inevitably involve prayer, Oxycontin, and copious amounts of sex (but always in the missionary position).

Jonah and the Fail Whale5. Christian Chirp’s Fail Whale has a prophet living inside of it — so when the service is unavailable, you see the Screw Jew instead.

6. Unlike Twitter, this service has been endorsed by Christ, along with A Course in Miracles, God’s Girlz dolls and, of course, eSarcasm.

7. Registration is open only to US citizens who submit copies of their long-form birth certificates. No Hawaiian or Kenyan applicants will be accepted at this time.

8. No sex-related discussions allowed, unless they deal with strictly procreation-based intercourse. In that case, you may use the hashtag #PastyOverweightOvulation.

9. The most followed user here ain’t @aplusk, pal. It’s @JesusChrist. (Ashton’s #2.)

Christian Chirp Jesus Christ10. The site allows you to submit prayers directly to God, but only 140 characters at a time. So the requests for your own private island may have to wait.

11. When there’s a service outage, they just blame Satan.

12. The service promises to tolerant of all creeds and breeds, including camel jockeys, bagel bangers, jungle monkeys, yellow devils, and dot heads. Atheists, however, can go fuck themselves.

13. Gay people will be gently discouraged from using Christian Chirp, unless they’re male escorts servicing conservative clients. Other prostitutes are of course welcome.

Jesus Profile14. Mafia family invites are replaced with missionary trip invites.

15. In the event of The Rapture, service updates may be suspended.

16. Clicking “I agree” isn’t enough — you can’t get into this site until you accept the TOS into your heart.

17. Unlike on Twitter, saving is always an option. In fact, Christian Chirp will constantly keep trying to save you, whether you want it to or not.

18. Instead of the Bit.ly link shortening service, Christian Chirp will use Lord.ly. Naturally, all links will point toward heaven.

19. Forget about bugs and worms hitting this network. When naysayers attack, goddammit, they send in the fucking locusts.

20. No matter what Chirp users do, they will be forgiven. Unless they say nasty things about Rush Limbaugh, in which case they will spend eternity in a writhing pit of hellfire.

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