Is Your Inbox a Web of Lies?
Outlook, you deceitful little bitch. A browser, we’d expect this from. But you? We trusted you. We thought you were our friend. How could you?
My dear virtual patients, we often discuss light-hearted topics — things like the best kind of breasts or why you should try to score with church-going girls. This week, however, our reader Q&A takes us to a slightly more serious subject: the science of lying and electronic communication.
From my inbox:
Dear Dr. Smartass,
I’m in a long-distance relationship. Sometimes I get the feeling my girlfriend isn’t being totally up-front with me about certain things, like who else she’s boning. What’s the best way to get an honest answer?
-Nick
Nick, if you can’t trust the sound of her voice (or hear the sound of another dude getting his jollies off in the background), you’d be better off turning to a handwritten letter than a heartfelt e-mail.
The reason: People are more apt to lie in e-mail than in other forms of printed communication — at least, if you believe a set of tech-centric studies on the subject. (As far as I know, they weren’t sent via e-mail.)
The studies, conducted by a handful of American business schools, found 92 percent of people were willing to fib via e-mail when given something to gain — in your girlfriend’s case, a nearby set of male genitals. In handwritten letters, the rate of deception was found to be far less high.
Using this information, I might suggest you hand-write the following onto a large, penis-shaped placard:
“ARE YOU BONING ANOTHER DUDE? PLEASE WRITE YES OR NO BELOW AND RETURN VIA POST IMMEDIATELY.”
You should have your answer within five to seven business days.
Remember:
The Internet is full of lies,
And not just about penis size.
Pen and paper will prove more true
When it comes to knowing who your girlfriend screws.
Until next time,
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