Rants In Our Pants

He’s Not That Into You: 25 Stupid Tweets

Sorry, Twitter, but we just weren’t that into these 25 tweets from today’s trending topic.

By (@JRRaphael)

October 30, 2009

He's Just Not That Into YouHow do you know when he’s just not that into you? Ask the citizens of the Twitterverse.

A months-old mediocre movie somehow exploded into a popular trending topic on Twitter today: #HesNotThatIntoYou. For the past several hours, people have been sending out heart-felt sentiments on love, sex, and how to know when a guy is playing games.

Of course, not everyone’s thoughts are exactly what you’d call profound. Here are 25 tweets we just weren’t that into.

@monicamariie: #Hesnotthatintoyou when you find out that he was qoinq out with a qirl when you were qoinq out with him. i should know. qoing throuqh it now

Hint: It may have something to do with your odd habit of always using a “q” in place of a “g.”

@neek_neek08: if u told him he couldn’t rap n u wud neva fukin buy his cd ats probably y #HesNotThatIntoYou

Um, right. That totally happened to me the other day.

@evadorable: #HesNotThatIntoYou when he always asks about how huge your love is

Wait a minute. What if she always talks about how huge our “love” is? That seems like a good sign.

@datpinkchick: #hesnotthatintoyou when he says I’ll have to think about it

Hmm…I’m not sure about that one. I’ll have to think about it.

@jus_pashyn: #hesnotthatintoyou if yu text him && all he ever says is “lol k”

lol. k.

@TheodoraBagwell: #hesnotthatintoyou Follow me if you love Megan Fox!!!!!!!!!!

No idea what this has to do with the topic at hand — but done.

@tweet_seat: #hesnotthatintoyou if he suggests a threesome, swinging or group sex.

But what if she’s a hot Megan-Fox-loving girl we just met on Twitter?

@iKnOwSaReNaH: #Hesnotthatintoyou if he takes you out to dinner then excuses himself to go to “the restroom” bt he dont never come back!!

How to put this delicately: That brisket we ordered could not wait for evacuation.

@knauticus: If he farts & holds u under da covers #hesnotthatintoyou

In some cultures, that’s seen as a sign of affection. (We are still seeking out said cultures. Anyone?)

@chocoheywood: #hesnotthatintoyou it’s damn hard. :))

Actually, that’s probably a sign that he is into you. Or wants to be, anyway — speaking from a literal perspective.

@PastorEaton: #HesNotThatIntoYou if he doesn’t not truly love you #truelovefriday God’s love (John 3:16) http://ping.fm/UOIGP #trueloveis

With all due respect, pastor, I think you might have misinterpreted the topic.

@HeatherGilesx3: #HesNotThatIntoYou because you smell like fish

Exception: if you actually are a fish. We fellas have nothing against our waterbound brothers.

@mrgrumpy1: #HesNotThatIntoYou if he’s tweeting during sex

What about during a BJ? We hear that’s okay.

@DJYoshi: if you’re at a club and he’s either: sittin down, leaning on the wall like a flower or not grindin up on your ass, #hesnotthatintoyou

Indeed. I frequently indicate my disinterest to a lady by “not grindin’ up on her ass.” It’s how it’s done.

@Saya25: #HesNotThatIntoYou, if when you get caught publicly he jumps behind you!!!!

Hang on. Between this tweet and the last one, we’re starting to get mixed messages.

@nekaneka: #hesnotthatintoyou if all he does is talk about himself when you’re on a date or hanging out

You know, Nekaneka, that’s too true. I once did that. Let’s hang out and I’ll tell you all about the fascinating things I said.

@PaQMaN05: #HesNotThatIntoYou if U sendin sublimninal twitz about him n he neva respondz

Are these “sublimninal twitz” you speak of anything like the “subliminable messages” we used to hear about all the time?

@chrdona1970: #hesnotthatintoyou when he turns down sex because the dog needs to go out.

Unless that’s some kind of weird euphemism. (For what exactly, we’re not sure.)

@ocjacqui: #hesnotthatintoyou when he yells his own name during sex.

Even if his name happens to be Jesus?

@hansonguy Dear psycho Hanson fans…got to break it to you.. #HesNotThatIntoYou

We still maintain that that chick from Hanson is totally hot.

@Rui__: #HesNotThatIntoYou bc beard in a person called Jessica dont makes any sense.

Speaking of things that don’t “makes any sense,” did you read your tweet?

@Sbragg1: he’s really #hesnotthatintoyou if he tell u he burning but he’s really not just so yall can stop talking

Actually, if he’s burning, you and he both probably need to go get tested.

@KiddMcflyy: #HesNotThatIntoYou if he’s watchin tv while your having sex lol

But what if “Boy Meets World” is on? That Topanga is so crazy.

@bobbyohbobby: #hesnotthatintoyou when he only calls u 2:00am in the morning

Bobby — oh, Bobby. Some of us are just night owls.

@chrdona1970: #HesNotThatIntoYou when he reads a playboy just before switching of the lights to do you…

For the thousandth time, we like the goddamned articles.

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