Alternate Reality

Steve Jobs Arrested for Shoplifting

Apple CEO detained by police after fleeing Silicon Valley convenience store carrying baked beans, iPhone. Update: Apple stock plunges on the news. Update again: Oh, never mind. Our mistake. Sorry.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 8, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

steve-jobs-bush-beansSteve Jobs was been taken into custody by police in Palo Alto earlier today following the robbery of a downtown 7-Eleven.

According to eye witnesses, a tall, thin balding man with a salt-and-pepper beard, wearing glasses and a black turtleneck, was seen fleeing the convenience store carrying an armful of canned goods.

Normally reliable sources identified the man as the Apple CEO, currently on an extended sabbatical from the company due to health problems. According to the sources, store videotapes reveal an iPhone sticking out of the suspect’s rear pants pocket as he fled the premises.

Writing at MySteveJobsObsession, blogger J. Bilkis notes that the medicine Jobs was most likely taking for his enzyme imbalance has side effects that can trigger bouts of irrational behavior.

Update: We have learned that the suspect in the convenience store robbery was found by police in a public park cooking a can of Bush Barbecue Style vegan beans over a can of Sterno. Blogger JaredP at PhanBoyLove reveals that this brand of beans is one of Jobs’ favorites.

We’re still waiting for confirmation that Steve Jobs has been arrested for shoplifting. Calls to Apple headquarters and the Palo Alto Police Department have not been returned.

Update 2: Apple stock dropped 17 percent this afternoon on rumors that Steve Jobs had been arrested for shoplifting canned goods from a Silicon Valley convenience store. An Apple spokesperson called the rumors “absurd” but declined other comment, spurring speculation that a massive cover-up is under way.

The sad tale of a fallen CEO brings back uncomfortable reminders of other chief executives committing rumored acts of vandalism, including Steve Ballmer spray painting “Mac OS X Sux” on sidewalks outside Apple’s Cupertino headquarters, Oracle’s Larry Ellison mooning spectators at the 2007 America’s Cup, and Carly Fiorina’s entire tenure as chief executive at Hewlett Packard.

Update 3: Police have confirmed the identity of the robbery suspect in today’s shoplifting incident as Charles Ellis of East Palo Alto. The 58-year-old homeless man was arrested earlier today and charged with possession of stolen goods, which included a can of sardines hidden in his back pocket.

Mr. Jobs could not be reached for comment.

In related news: Reliable sources report Apple is in late-stage negotiations to purchase Bush’s Beans. Details of the deal were not available at post time. We’ll be updating this story as it progresses.

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