Alternate Reality

Apple’s Human-iPhone Clones Revealed

Horrific scientific experiment results in proprietary half human, half handset. Meet Apple’s newest ground-breaking creation: the guyPhone.

By (@tynanwrites)

October 26, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple has achieved a technological breakthrough that is both impressive and monstrous, eSarcasm has learned.

A video leaked from Apple’s top-secret R&D labs in China’s LongDong province demonstrates a stunning achievement in the attempt to meld man with machines.

The “guyPhone” combines the genetic code of ordinary human males with the source code of Apple’s popular handset. Though various Web sites have claimed these are merely clever Halloween costumes created by a couple of excessively enthusiastic fanboys, eSarcasm has uncovered a ghastlier truth.

The mutants in the video, named “Reko” and “Bobby,” communicate exclusively via touchpads mounted at the top of their chest-mounted LCDs. They have no sexual or digestive organs, deriving all of their sustenance from 12-volt car batteries. With their spastic movements and simian faces, they appear to have the limited mental capacity of rhesus monkeys or, possibly, Reese’s peanut butter cups.

Rumors that Apple was working on a man-machine hybrid have circulated for years, heating up in June when Steve Jobs announced the iLiver, a cyber-organ designed to outlive its human recipient. However, observers did not expect whatever Apple ultimately produced to take the form of an adult-sized iPhone.

At presstime it was unclear whether Reko and Bobby would qualify for US or Chinese citizenship, or if they would require a 2-year-commitment to AT&T.

An Apple spokesperson declined to confirm or deny the existence of the guyPhone, saying the company does not comment on unreleased man-machine monsters.

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