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Holy Sex! How Seeking God Can Get You Laid

Looking for sizzling sex? A higher power could help. Dr. Smartass reveals one of science’s best-kept secrets.

By (@doctorsmartass)

October 25, 2009

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassWelcome back, dear disciples, for another week of science-inspired Q&A! Last week, we tackled the topic of ta-tas — specifically, what breast size and shape can tell you about a woman. It turns out I may have been a boob, however, by not first discussing the finest places to find fine ladies.

From my inbox:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I’m 24 and have only had sex with two girls, both of whom were long-term girlfriends. I kind of want to just get out and get laid now, but I can’t seem to get past the making out phase with the girls I’m dating (and I don’t want to get into another long-term thing yet). I’m not a nightclub kind of guy. Where else can I meet women who are just looking to have a good time?

-Dave

Dave-O, you’re in luck: Plenty of ladies are looking for no-strings lovin’, and you don’t have to hit the clubs to find ‘em. Not that your trusty virtual doc knows anything about such matters first-hand — as I told Mrs. S, that bodacious blonde in my office last week was our new secretary. She was only under my desk to look for some missing files.

Digressions aside, though, where should you seek out your new playmate? Well, Dave, the answer may surprise you.

Sex and SpiritualityIt turns out church could be the best place on God’s green Earth to get good tail. A recent study from the University of Kentucky shows spiritual women have the most overall sex, the most unprotected sex, and the highest number of sexual partners. Can I get a hallelujah?

Before you set out to deliver your, er, sermon, let me explain what’s actually going on here. The pew-screw connection, you see, isn’t completely coincidental. Rather, the researchers speculate, the high rate of humping may be because the spiritual girls long for a sense of connectedness.

“Believing one is intimately tied to other human beings and that interconnectedness and harmony are indispensable may lead one to believe sexual intimacy possesses a divine or transcendent quality in itself,” one of the study’s authors explains.

So my prescription for you, Dave: Try kneeling down next to a lovely lady next Sunday morning. If your prayers are answered, she might end up kneeling down again later that night. Just don’t get greedy and expect a second coming.

Remember:

There won’t be a need to use a lame line,
When you meet her in a place that’s divine.
Open your mind and seek out holy flame.
Later that night, she’ll be calling God’s name.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

(Image: MoPo.ca)






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Comments

  • wendywhy

    Why not just hang out at the maternity ward of a hospital? Those chicks obviously have sex and prolly are suffering from low self esteem and lacking attention!

    • http://twitter.com/DoctorSmartass Dr. Smartass

      As a (nearly licensed) medical doctor, I could never recommend using a hospital for such impure purposes.

      Maternity clothing stores, though — now, those are a different story.

  • ChuckG

    Check out abortion clinics in your area. The women there are obviously loose. Plus, after what they've just been though, they'll need lots of comforting which you're willing to provide. And if they get pregnant again, they know what to do. So you're covered.

    • http://twitter.com/DoctorSmartass Dr. Smartass

      Geez, Chuck…*someone* needs to get laid. Try spending a little less time over at ChristianChirp.com, and that sand ought to come right out of your vagina in no time.

  • ChuckG

    Check out abortion clinics in your area. The women there are obviously loose. Plus, after what they've just been though, they'll need lots of comforting which you're willing to provide. And if they get pregnant again, they know what to do. So you're covered.

  • http://twitter.com/DoctorSmartass Dr. Smartass

    Geez, Chuckie…*someone* needs to get laid. Try spending a little less time over at ChristianChirp.com, and that sand ought to come out of your vagina in no time.