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Get Ready for the Wal-Mart Computer Experience

From its impossibly bright color scheme to its mullet-sporting virtual assistant Clipford, the Wal-Mart Computer Experience is expected to be a hit with shoppers nationwide.

By (@JRRaphael)

October 23, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Wal-Mart Computer ExperienceWe Americans love our Wal-Marts. Where else, after all, can you find mullets, malodor, and marked-down meat in one obnoxiously loud location?

Well, prepare yourselves, Wally walkers: The king of unpleasant shopping experiences is about to invade your home. Wal-Mart has just announced a new service in which it’ll send employees to your house to help you set up your electronics. Think Geek Squad, only with blue vests and even less competence.

For an extra $9.88, eSarcasm has learned, the techs will install a customized version of Windows 7 made to emulate the Wal-Mart shopping experience. Among its features:

  • A design theme centered around bright, unappealing lights that make you feel as if you’re in a high school gymnasium.
  • Wal-Mart Clipford

  • A mulleted virtual assistant named Clipford. He loves country music, talkin’ about trucks, and goin’ muddin’ on the weekends.
  • Integrated sound effects of children screaming and crying, with optional add-on of overwhelmed mothers physically threatening them at maximum volume.
  • A shelf-based navigation system that scatters your icons throughout a virtual 260,000-square-foot store. In non-optional “challenge mode,” 80 percent of the icons will be grayed-out and listed as “out-of-stock.”
  • A “Help Me Find Something” button that doesn’t do anything, no matter how many times you click it.
  • A special scent module that, with adaptor, releases a soothing combination of cigarette smoke and body odor essence.
  • A Wal-Martized shutdown process: As soon as you’re ready to turn off your computer, the “Shutdown” icon starts flashing. You then have to wait seven agonizing minutes before you can move forward.

Wal-Mart representatives confirmed the program’s existence in a statement issued to eSarcasm. (By “representatives,” we mean “the 97-year-old greeter at the front of the store.” And by “confirmed the program’s existence,” we mean “scowled and pushed a shopping cart at us.”)

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