Microsoft Promises Seven Minutes in Windows 7 Heaven

Microsoft is hoping 7 is its lucky number.

Desperate to make up for earlier mistakes with Vista — namely the decision to release the thing in the first place — Microsoft is pulling out all the stops in a Windows 7 marketing blitzkrieg featuring dorky launch parties, obese spokestoons, all-beef patties, and questionable math.

First, there’s Microsoft’s sponsorship of next month’s Family Guy special, in which various members of the two-dimensional Griffin clan will extol the virtues of Windows 7, presumably accompanied by the sound of a cash register.

Then there’s the arithmetically-challenged new slogan: “1 Billion = 7.” Microsoft’s point? That input from 1 billion people went into making Windows 7, which may be true if you count the 990 million Chinese who said

[Roughly translated: What the fuck is Windows 7?]

But that’s not all. Microsoft is also planning to:

• Worm its way into NFL broadcasts, delivering 7-word summaries at the conclusion of each game

• Fill YouTube with 7-second videos from the “I’m a PC” crowd testifying to their love for Win 7

• Coerce Burger King’s Japanese franchisees to sell the “Windows 7 Whopper,” a meat-packing monster that features seven all-beef patties stacked atop one another.

(No, we are not making any of this up.)

See a pattern here?

However, eSarcasm has learned that these are merely the opening salvos in a marketing campaign scheduled to last until Windows 8 rears its misshapen little head. Over the coming months Microsoft is planning the following big moves:

* In a major rebranding effort, 7-Up will now be known as Win7-Up. The popular soft drink will offer the same refreshing lemon-lime taste for only $89.95 a six pack (but just $49.95 if you upgrade from Fresca).

* Sexual encounters lasting 7 seconds or less will now be known as Premature Winjaculations. However, embarrassed lovers can reassure their partners the next time will last much longer, provided they wait 20 minutes and reboot.

* During the entire month of November, 7-Eleven stores will be known as Win7-Elevens; participating franchises will sell Big Gulps for just 7 cents, with free refills for anyone undergoing the 22-hour XP-to-Win7 upgrade.

* Vegas craps players who roll a seven will receive free copies of Windows 7 Ultimate. Players who roll snake eyes will receive two copies.

* To up its geek cred, Microsoft is planning a series of commercials starring actress Jeri Ryan, who played Borg hottie Seven of Nine in “Star Trek Voyager.” Mostly because Ballmer’s always wanted to nail her.

* Pointless Web celeb Julia Allison is planning to have the Windows 7 logo tattooed on her ass in a Manhattan storefront. Microsoft has nothing to do with this; she just craves the attention.

* Finally, Microsoft is bankrolling a remake of the 1995 thriller Se7en, starring Ashton Kutcher as a cop on the trail of a serial killer (Jerry Seinfeld) who murders his victims based on Microsoft’s 7 deadly sins (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt, Bluster, Deceit, Condescension, and Excessive Perspiration). [Spoiler alert] Don’t miss the thrilling conclusion where Kutcher opens the box to find Steve Jobs’ head inside!

Photos: Engadget, CyberDykes

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